Saturday, December 20, 2008

"haha"


ok, it is self explanatory, if you recognize me and you know me don't make a big deal out of it ok...

oh and it was amazing, it was not just because what everybody knows about it, it goes way deeper on so many levels...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

freakn a
what is it with the world... I'm sick of this monotony called life, I keep waiting for something new and exciting but it never will come...
I saw the end of a movie called "I am David" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-ayK9m0f_Q basically it's about a boy that was a prisoner in WWII and is trying to find something in Denmark... it turns out his mom wrote a book about the whole thing and was famous and he was able to leave his horrible childhood behind for a brighter future.

Is it just me or do other people wish something like this would happen to them? I am always secretly hoping that my life will take a dramatic turn for the better... I hoped when I turned 18 that someone would say ha it was all a joke and your a rich millionaire.

so I guess I should realize that this is never going to happen and I make my own success... obviously I'm not very good at it because I'm failing one of my classes and I don't even care, I have two papers to write for it and every time I think of them I make myself sick. I don't even care that it will drop my graduating GPA below 3.0 if I ever get that far... so yes I realize that this is part of my problem but I really don't know what to do about it. I have always had a problem with hating my miserable life but somehow I get through it, now this makes things harder...
It seems everything always comes back to this and I should do something about it but what? I don't want to got to a psychiatrist but maybe thats my answer... whatever I'm going on vacation for 3 weeks and this blasted year is almost over.

Monday, December 8, 2008

finals

I know by writing this I may get some flack and just saying that maybe I need to change something but right now I have absolutely no desire to live... (NO I AM NOT REFERRING TO ANYTHING TO DO WITH SUICIDE...) I pretty much know basically why I feel this way but I don't know what to do about it. I have this class and every time I have an assignment due I dread it and put it off and hate it, somehow I usually get it done but not without a lot of pain and misery. Just saying this should throw out all kinds of sirens and lights, but I don't know what to do. I have no desire to finish the class even though I know I could probably pass it if I just wrote the stupid paper (and I hope I write it) I know I have so much to live for but I don't understand how something like this can cripple every aspect of my life. I have literally been sitting in front of my computer for days I have quite a bit of [good] research and all I have to do is write the freakn thing.
I know it will be friday in an instant and whatever happens will be in the past and I know I will make it to friday regardless what happens, I just wish I didn't have to suffer through whatever it is that happens...

Saturday, December 6, 2008

milk

so I woke up this morning and was thinking it might be fun if whoever wanted to get together and go watch milk... as far as I can tell its only in one theater in slc (im not sure about provo...) so yeah whatever works... im gonna go watch it sometime but if people wanted we could get together...

Friday, December 5, 2008

venting... beware...

curse so I'm going to vent and I don't want sympathy I just have to say this and forget about it
I know profanity isn't necessary but I'm sure it will be in here so beware...
yesterday I woke up at 6:30 am for a follow up visit to my dermatologist. I went in and it was the same routine, he looks at me for literally 30 secs and says "It looks good" and I leave...
today I was charged 84 dollars... usually it's only 50ish, I didn't say anything because I was like what the fuck in my head and I didn't want to deal with it... (I might call up billing later but I don't even care anymore..) I owe this guy over 2500 dollars and I've paid him about 1000 so far. I don't have insurance and at first he was discounting everything because of that...
anyway I'm taking out a student loan this semester if I ever finish the paper work and guess where it's all going yeah I forgot to say they started charging me interest every month with out telling me. I'm just going to pay it off and forget about it. if I didn't get the point across I'm fucking pissed about the whole situation and even though I could do a hell of a lot with 2500 not even considering its a loan that I will have to pay back I wouldn't care if I bought 2500 dollars worth of gum drops and threw them away I feel I would get more for my money...

you might ask why I have a 3500 dollar bill at a dermatologist... well I'm very vain and I didn't like my nose... so yeah I guess I should say god hates me cause I'm gay and so for whatever reason I have skin cancer (just so nobody freaks out it is NOT melanoma, melanoma is the only deadly kind of skin cancer. I've had it since I was 20 but found out about it last summer) regardless it is bull shit.
venting ends...(kind of)
on another note as I was riding home I realized I needed to get gas and I was going to stop at a chevron that was on my way home but I never made it... gas mileage drops during the winter due to how they refine it (during the winter the refineries do something I can't remember what exactly to make it work better in colder weather) so my calculations on when I need to get gas are off... anyway this is my email that got posted on www.payitforwardtoday.org

Giving Gasoline and "PIF"

I figured I'd write you with my own type of PIF that was directed at me. I ride a motorcycle and I know relatively to the mile when I need to get gas. Well this morning I pushed it too far, I was not too far from a gas station but far enough that it would of been a pain to push the bike to the station. When it happened I only could blame myself. I pushed it into a neighborhood and I guess someone getting ready for work saw me and came out saying he had a gas can he would let me use, I thought sweet that way I won't have to buy one. When he brought it out and handed it to me it was full, it caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say, all I needed was a few ounces to save me a bunch of time.

I'm really independent and I have never really been in a situation where I was the one that needed help but I was very greatful for the guy going out of his way to make my life a lot easier when he could of just ignored the whole situation. I didn't know how to thank him other then just to say thank you, and to continue to "pay it forward"


so I don't know, I don't think the trouble that I would of encountered would add up to the difference of the 30ish dollars I had to overpay my doctor but it actually made my day quite abit better...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

thanksgiving...

I went to my aunts house which is somewhere quite a few hours away from here (I don't know why I care about anonymity but whatever) I rode with my cousins family and looking back I don't know why, I thought I would do homework but that didn't happen. anyway the main point of this blog was I stopped wearing my "g's" the beginning of this year sometime but nobody has mentioned anything to me. I have thought about what I would say if someone questioned me but not in any depth and not for awhile. It was bound to happen and I guess I knew if anyone were to say something it would be my aunt. (she was cooking dinner while I chit chatted with her...) I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say (it was like a deer in the headlights, I haven't experienced many of these experiences...) so I think she realized it and dropped it, with only a few moments of awkward silence following it was relatively painless... or was it? I don't know what to do, I am looking for reasons to come out but I don't want to bother people with their lives, my aunt is a very nice lady, I think since my mom died, they were sisters in a small family my uncle is the "black sheep" that nobody talks about, she has kind of "taken in" my brother and I since we're still single. so whats my point? I don't want to bother her with this, she might be helpful in offering advice and what not but she is one of the "churchy" people, and thats what her answers would consist of... obviously I'm judging her but should I "bother" her with this? (yes I know she asked about it, but she doesn't realize what that answer really consists of)

in other news, I have 2 weeks till I fly to the east coast to hang out with friends for 3 weeks ! all I have to do is write about 30 pages of B.S. and take 2 tests...!

Friday, November 21, 2008

gay eharmony?

so this could be good news for some people... I really don't know why eharmony was "forced" into this, other then the initial costs of setting it up they will make "bank" after... but whatever... just don't go onto ksl and read the comments cause like usual they've made a big deal out of it... again whatever...

Online dating site eHarmony will now provide same-sex matches as part of a settlement of a lawsuit filed by a gay man in New Jersey.
Under the terms of the settlement, the matchmaking Web site will launch a new service called "Compatible Partners" next year.
The settlement does not set any legal precedent, but legal experts in Utah say matchmaking sites here could still suffer as a result.
"eHarmony is one of the largest and most established entities in the industry. Now, unfortunately, others will be forced, practically, to fall into line," said legal expert Chris Dexter.
We contacted several of the Utah-based dating Web sites today, but no one wanted to comment.
- ksl.com

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

PAY IT FORWARD

so this is going on right now... I don't think it matters if you donate but the idea behind it is what matters... so if you have some time check it out, I don't think it works without internet explorer? I tried safari and firefox and then went to the library and logged onto a windows based computer... so yeah this is the site (it goes till midnight central time...)

http://www.pifwebcast.com/

if you miss it, the blog is at http://www.payitforwardtoday.org/ just read the stories and pay it forward...

I said that I would post my expirence with PIF so here it is...
Last year I volunteered to do service for the salt lake county aging services by driving elderly in county cars to doctors apointments. One day the supervisor handed me a PIF bracelet and I thought that's cool (I've seen the movie so I knew what it was) I've worn it off and on. I tried visiting the .net site when it wasn't working. I hadn't thought about for awhile now till last week when I heard your interview on one of the country stations I was flipping through and for some reason stopped and listened. I had no idea that you were from here and that you do this all on your own! That's amazing... I obviosly started wearing it again and would love to pick up a hand full to give out... I don't mind stopping by so you don't have to pay for shipping or ill give my address at the end... I am a UofU student that will hopfully grad. in may with an environmental studies degree, I think PIF and the enviroment go hand in hand, if people are good to each other then they will treat the environment better and if the environment is healthier people will be happier... anyway what's going on nov.18 and will there be any local gathering? Anyway thanks for everything I now regularly read the PIF today blogs, it gives me hope...

I have since had different opertunities to give out the braclets and even though they're not anything big, I'm sure it atleast has helped somebody's day a little easier... (and hopfully it will continue from there...)
thanks

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Pay It Forward...

So I wanted to put more effort into this post but lately I've been in a constant rush... This Tuesday there is going to be this huge event this is the following statement from the website (www.payitforwardtoday.org)...

HUGE Worldwide Pay It Forward event coming to a Computer near you on November 18th. We plan on making history November 18th so please join us. Mark your calendars and be sure to spread the word amongst your family and friends. We hope to have the support of millions of people that day to make this a “World Changing Event”.

As of October 22nd we have distributed over 350,000 bracelets to over 50 countries all at no charge and our Goal is to get to 1 billion bracelets. They say you have to think so why not think BIG! This is very lofty goal but there is simply no way we will give up until we make it happen. There is a great saying to go along with any goal, “if you really want to make something happen you will find a way, if you don’t you will find an excuse.”

Lets’ Change the world together!


These guys are actually locally based out of Utah. I requested some bracelets and they sent me a box out... I'll write my "story" about how I heard about them tomorrow but I wanted to get this up so ya'll would be aware of it... the basic theme I think for tuesday is just to remember to "pay it forward" but I think it is going to be kinda like a fund raiser type thing... please don't let that be a reason not to look into it... I really have no clue what it is going to consist of but if you have some time look into it...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

This Saturday Equality March....

I don't know much about this I just got the email from the U's LGBTQ center... but I haven't heard anything about it otherwise so I was putting it up so people can see it....?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

summing up life...

there are so many thoughts going through my head right now and none of them have to do with my big test I haven't begun to study for in just under 4 hours... the first is how long can I live before I come to a breaking point and just give up? I've said I will not commit suicide but really with the church I don't see a different option, I don't want to be a pawn in this game of gods... I have said I have moved on but having the church ingrained into your life is a hard thing to give up, I look to the quote of Stuart Matis's bishop something to the effect of if its a choice between life and death choose life... but it is not good enough, I spend most of my waking moments thinking of directly/indirectly of what my life means because I am gay...

this is quoted off are you one too's blog, it is his friend speaking of what I have always thought but never put into word...

"I greatly fear that this will be the main issue which will divide the Church, as has been prophesied."

I don't want to bring my family into this because if it is all true and they did support me then I'm bringing them down the wrong path... (though I believe the diehards will have to answer to god they will be more in the right then those who chose otherwise)

either way I am screwed im probably not going to hell but it's a lose lose situation... so why do I try? maybe there is a little hope? but in reality there are things I want to do/experience before I end up in some middle class after life or I decompose back into the elements... I do not want to / I will not be in the middle of the "issue which will divide the Church, as has been prophesied"

I know this was rushed and it doesn't get all my points that I have wanted to make but it is the basics, I don't know what will happen but for now I am going to continue living my lame existence, I really need to focus on school for whatever purpose I don't know why but I can't focus so much on this, I don't know how but I guess I am going to force myself to focus on school...

as for the election I look forward to the "change" promised by Obama but like most human beings I am afraid of the initial steps...

Monday, November 3, 2008

last minute prop 8

this is the latest thing in the prop 8 news in utah... it is pretty dramatic but I don't think it is anything unfair/dirty... but whatever this is the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q28UwAyzUkE


and this is the churches reply
The Church has released a statement responding to the ad, stating: "The Church has joined a broad-based coalition in defense of traditional marriage. While we feel this is important to all of society, we have always emphasized that respect be given to those who feel differently on this issue. It is unfortunate that some who oppose this proposition have not given the Church this same courtesy."

I would disagree but even if the "church" has emphasized respect the members have not. I know it goes both ways just read the comments from this on ksl...

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=4697796


whatever it will all be over tomorrow...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

me positive?


ha, so today I don't know why but I'm having a GREAT day... so far everything has worked out in my favor... first off I don't want to jinx myself but I do want to put it in writing so I can remember this day...
I kinda think I know a few reasons why this might be,
for whatever reason I had a good attitude when I woke up.
I have been thinking a lot about a movement called pay it forward today ( www.payitforwardtoday.org ) it is based off the movie and it is two local guys in SLC that give out the free silicon bracelets to remind people to "PIF" I emailed them and they sent me out a box with like 100 or so bracelets to give out. The PIF idea has really made me start thinking about helping others and reading the stories of people in action also makes me want to do it myself... I don't want to say that it has "changed my life" but for the past week it is on my mind. Instead of never thinking about helping someone unless they're bleeding to death because a metior fell from the sky, I am now looking for simple ways that I could make someones day better... so yeah we'll see what happens...

Sunday, October 26, 2008

re: hope

again it is late and again I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started writing... what is wrong with me...? I have been dealing with and accepted being gay for close to 3 years now (I'm not out) but I still think about it constantly... the video circulating around about hope a quote from harvey milk I guess is something that I need to take to heart... I really don't give myself credit for being smart/successful I think it is part of being so negative for so long, but when it comes to school I have to force myself to complete an assignment and it is done at the last minute and very half ass... I have NO ambition I have NO hope... I don't know how to find it either...
I guess I kind of enjoy my life... since I dropped out of the church I have truly stopped hating myself and I can live day to day pretty happy... now the next step would be hope I guess and I need to figure out how to find it...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

why?

so I am standing in line to vote... I really don't know why either, I haven't exactly made up my mind who I will end up picking but I don't think it matters, I live in utah so that means mccain will win... I like things from both and I don't like things from both... my vote doesn't really count and I really don't want either, I've heard pick the lesser of two evils and I've also heard if you don't vote you can't complain I think its all BS and will waste my vote on nader even though I know nothing of what he stands for but I know he won't win and its like a protest?
as for other news, my new g1 phone is waiting for me to get home... it was a big sacrifice fot a pretty pointless act...

Monday, October 13, 2008

another week

I don't know what it is, maybe its just the stupid economic news... some could say oh its cause your not living the "gospel" I don't care what it is though I just want to feel loved... I was watching brother's and sister's I know its sappy but the gay couple on it made me jealous yeah its TV but it would be so nice just to have someone that loved you...
another thing on my mind is all the news with cali and prop 8... I don't know what it is but I really don't understand why anybody gives a fuck ... mohointx brought it up and got a few good comments, I mean obviously I'm already going to hell so why hold back...? anyway where is there peace?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

wow
so as I was waking up (this morning) I had conf. on... it was all the same till monson... that was deep...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

change

I wrote the following earlier thus week and I've been thinking a lot about it so as follows is what I wrote...

"I think it is inevitable that I will come out to the world. Since I have come to that conclusion, I think it will be happening sooner then later... I realized that this is my life and there are so many people in the world that regret so much. I regret more then so much, so I figure its time for a change, it's time for me to take control of my life. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that (and I'm up for advice) but I need to start now or I will just keep living this empty life... I also need to give up all the hatred in my life, I don't know which will be harder..."

so I was thinking that though I have have a ton of inner turmoil and parts of my life are misrable overall I like how it is, if I came out I know I would still be loved if even loved more... but things would change, for the most part it would be better but I don't have control of what would happen and once it was out to the world my life would change and I don't know what I would become... it seems like I will ever be at a cross road because the option will always be there...(untill it happens) I guess im going in circles so ill drop it...

so its conf. weekend I didn't realize that... has anything been said about "sga"... yeah I figured there wouldn't... owell maybe next time...


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

random thoughts...

ok I should be starting a paper right now that is due tomorrow afternoon but I guess I won't get very far tonight. so this is whats on my mind, I know that it will cause some commotion in the moho world but its the truth in my life...

anyway I am going to my friends house on the east coast over the holidays and I'm thinking I'm gonna get drunk... the weird thing is that as I have thought about it I get sick to my stomach, but everything else in my life that isn't up to the church's standards I'm fine with... I guess I'll see what happens, I have always thought that drinking is a waste of money and it's not worth the side effects and even if I wasn't lds I wouldn't really drink... I guess its just one of those things where you draw the line even if it has nothing to do with the church?

I figure I'll probably be going to the matis fireside next week(?) depending on the weather...(I might even catch a ride with somebody from slc area...) I don't want to be one of those people that acts like they're a good little mormon boy but they do everything under the sun when nobodies looking... I'm just trying to figure out life... I don't judge anybody for how they live their life and so I guess I don't want people to look down at me, I know that is hypocritical especially since I just generalized a group.

as for everything else I'm just living day to day. its late and this doesn't make much sense I'm sure so I think I will just go to bed...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

blah

really there isn't anything new with me.
School started, I wait till the last minute to start an assignment and when it's finished it doesn't really matter if it is quality or not (yes I could start earlier and put some effort into it but why). I've had a few things I thought about blogging about but I didn't get around to it and now I don't remember what they were...
so as you can see this is pretty pointless but I am putting off doing a paper that I don't want to deal with...
I still feel empty and like my life has no meaning or direction but nobody cares either way, I guess part of my problem is I don't really have friends that I hang out with but I can't find any (I don't try too hard but I don't really know where to start) being gay or dealing with it is always on my mind, I know I said I'm happier but I still can't move on
anyways till I come up with something better I guess this is where I'll shut up....

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

the movie AI artificial inteligence

I don't know if any of you have seen it but its pretty much the fairytale of Pinocchio but I think that part really hit me because I'm sure like most I have "prayed" wishing to be a "normal boy" or something to that affect. And I feel like I would do it for 2000 years and somehow see the product of all my pleading crumble before my eyes... (if you watched the movie you would understand the true pure desire he had going into this) so whatever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMZpqiUFKHI

the other part of the plot was him wanting to see his mom again and yeah pretty much thats all I want... even to say "I love you" one more time and "goodbye" so I guess I'm not good at getting my point across but some may understand...
till next time...

Friday, July 25, 2008

empty

so as the summer goes on I realize all the things I have been putting off for the fall semester... things have been better in my life since I started accepting myself but I still have a lack of desire to do simple things (school homework and registering for school) and then it piles up and turns big... I don't know why my life can't move forward. I feel so empty but at least im kinda happy, I look back at these same points in my life where I felt the same way and I was misrable(sp) so its a improvement? anyway im going to bed...

Friday, July 11, 2008

matis fireside

so I don't know how many people will read this by monday evening but I found out the matis fireside is monday evening... I went once along time ago by myself and felt totally awkward I left right after the speaker was done... so I don't need a ride just somebody to sit next to...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

bishop apt.

so I scheduled an apt. with my bishop like 2 weeks ago for tonight at 8:30, when I showed up he was like 2 hours behind and I was like screw this... I waited for awhile and I read vansons last post and that made me really think... I left cause I had to go to the store and then I ate dinner and went back (I knew it would be a very long time before I felt like going again) and read "no more goodbyes" ( a very GOOD book but more on that later...) when I finally went into talk to him I was just tired and figured he was too I came out and told him I was gay and that I felt like I have a lack of confidence... well he is a very business type man and he is very rich, he said he would rather direct me to a professional that knows how to deal with it... has anybody heard of "dan gray" he has a book out about pornography through desert book but yeah the bishop said not to worry about it and he will take care of everything, well I figure what the hell... anyway then he tried to walk me through building confidence and I was like this is going nowhere, I guess my attitude is I'm pretty much done with the church, I'm not anti or anything but I'll see how this goes and yeah thats that... I am writing my post on carol lynn pearson book so heads up...?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

in two days it will be 7 years since my mom died... I just woke up from a dream I had about her. it seems so long ago but at the same time it seems just like yesterday. either way I still miss her, I wonder how things would be different if she was still here. if I ever come out how would she react?

school is almost over for the summer and im glade... except for finals... this semester went really good though I enjoyed my classes and I learned quite abit... I got a job in slc so im stuck here all summer. as I randomly read other peoples posts I see that a lot of people are willing to hang out... I think I just need some friends so if someone is bored this summer we should do something sometime? I plan on traveling a lot as far as my two day leash allows I need to put more than 10,000 miles on my bike this summer to beat last years record... I think that would be worth 650 dollars in gas to see everything utah and its surroundings has to offer... owell time will tell how the summer turns out...