Wednesday, October 29, 2008

me positive?


ha, so today I don't know why but I'm having a GREAT day... so far everything has worked out in my favor... first off I don't want to jinx myself but I do want to put it in writing so I can remember this day...
I kinda think I know a few reasons why this might be,
for whatever reason I had a good attitude when I woke up.
I have been thinking a lot about a movement called pay it forward today ( www.payitforwardtoday.org ) it is based off the movie and it is two local guys in SLC that give out the free silicon bracelets to remind people to "PIF" I emailed them and they sent me out a box with like 100 or so bracelets to give out. The PIF idea has really made me start thinking about helping others and reading the stories of people in action also makes me want to do it myself... I don't want to say that it has "changed my life" but for the past week it is on my mind. Instead of never thinking about helping someone unless they're bleeding to death because a metior fell from the sky, I am now looking for simple ways that I could make someones day better... so yeah we'll see what happens...

Sunday, October 26, 2008

re: hope

again it is late and again I have a 5 page paper due tomorrow that I haven't started writing... what is wrong with me...? I have been dealing with and accepted being gay for close to 3 years now (I'm not out) but I still think about it constantly... the video circulating around about hope a quote from harvey milk I guess is something that I need to take to heart... I really don't give myself credit for being smart/successful I think it is part of being so negative for so long, but when it comes to school I have to force myself to complete an assignment and it is done at the last minute and very half ass... I have NO ambition I have NO hope... I don't know how to find it either...
I guess I kind of enjoy my life... since I dropped out of the church I have truly stopped hating myself and I can live day to day pretty happy... now the next step would be hope I guess and I need to figure out how to find it...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

why?

so I am standing in line to vote... I really don't know why either, I haven't exactly made up my mind who I will end up picking but I don't think it matters, I live in utah so that means mccain will win... I like things from both and I don't like things from both... my vote doesn't really count and I really don't want either, I've heard pick the lesser of two evils and I've also heard if you don't vote you can't complain I think its all BS and will waste my vote on nader even though I know nothing of what he stands for but I know he won't win and its like a protest?
as for other news, my new g1 phone is waiting for me to get home... it was a big sacrifice fot a pretty pointless act...

Monday, October 13, 2008

another week

I don't know what it is, maybe its just the stupid economic news... some could say oh its cause your not living the "gospel" I don't care what it is though I just want to feel loved... I was watching brother's and sister's I know its sappy but the gay couple on it made me jealous yeah its TV but it would be so nice just to have someone that loved you...
another thing on my mind is all the news with cali and prop 8... I don't know what it is but I really don't understand why anybody gives a fuck ... mohointx brought it up and got a few good comments, I mean obviously I'm already going to hell so why hold back...? anyway where is there peace?

Sunday, October 5, 2008

wow
so as I was waking up (this morning) I had conf. on... it was all the same till monson... that was deep...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

change

I wrote the following earlier thus week and I've been thinking a lot about it so as follows is what I wrote...

"I think it is inevitable that I will come out to the world. Since I have come to that conclusion, I think it will be happening sooner then later... I realized that this is my life and there are so many people in the world that regret so much. I regret more then so much, so I figure its time for a change, it's time for me to take control of my life. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do that (and I'm up for advice) but I need to start now or I will just keep living this empty life... I also need to give up all the hatred in my life, I don't know which will be harder..."

so I was thinking that though I have have a ton of inner turmoil and parts of my life are misrable overall I like how it is, if I came out I know I would still be loved if even loved more... but things would change, for the most part it would be better but I don't have control of what would happen and once it was out to the world my life would change and I don't know what I would become... it seems like I will ever be at a cross road because the option will always be there...(untill it happens) I guess im going in circles so ill drop it...

so its conf. weekend I didn't realize that... has anything been said about "sga"... yeah I figured there wouldn't... owell maybe next time...