Wednesday, November 5, 2008

summing up life...

there are so many thoughts going through my head right now and none of them have to do with my big test I haven't begun to study for in just under 4 hours... the first is how long can I live before I come to a breaking point and just give up? I've said I will not commit suicide but really with the church I don't see a different option, I don't want to be a pawn in this game of gods... I have said I have moved on but having the church ingrained into your life is a hard thing to give up, I look to the quote of Stuart Matis's bishop something to the effect of if its a choice between life and death choose life... but it is not good enough, I spend most of my waking moments thinking of directly/indirectly of what my life means because I am gay...

this is quoted off are you one too's blog, it is his friend speaking of what I have always thought but never put into word...

"I greatly fear that this will be the main issue which will divide the Church, as has been prophesied."

I don't want to bring my family into this because if it is all true and they did support me then I'm bringing them down the wrong path... (though I believe the diehards will have to answer to god they will be more in the right then those who chose otherwise)

either way I am screwed im probably not going to hell but it's a lose lose situation... so why do I try? maybe there is a little hope? but in reality there are things I want to do/experience before I end up in some middle class after life or I decompose back into the elements... I do not want to / I will not be in the middle of the "issue which will divide the Church, as has been prophesied"

I know this was rushed and it doesn't get all my points that I have wanted to make but it is the basics, I don't know what will happen but for now I am going to continue living my lame existence, I really need to focus on school for whatever purpose I don't know why but I can't focus so much on this, I don't know how but I guess I am going to force myself to focus on school...

as for the election I look forward to the "change" promised by Obama but like most human beings I am afraid of the initial steps...

4 comments:

Andy said...

Hey man...let me first say thanks to you for posting the honest feelings of your heart. Second, I hope you know how awesome you are for being logical and trying to reason through things. This struggle doesn't make much sense to the majority of us and I don't personally think we'll ever figure out why we go through it. However, as I'm sure you've seen on here, there are some amazing people that are working through this every day, including yourself. You've made it this far. A good friend of mine helped me make that realization that as bad as things are around me, look at where I've been and where I'm at now. The road/path to where I'd like to be may be steep and seem unreachable but with friends to help along the way it's possible. Keep your chin up bro...you've got friends here cheering for you!

Z i n j said...

Cadence...indeed we are pawns in the cultural political realm of church and life. We don't fit where we do belong. We wish to be where we don't belong. Other have come and gone and I mean gone. I would however choose to believe that the Savior is above all this. His love is healing. His gospel is one of hope. We need only to have the necessary faith to believe and partake of that love. We have each other, family and trusted friends to help us along this path of life. Find your way through the storm. You will be stronger for it. You have so much to share. Others in life will need your strength. The gospel is more than Sunday meetings, more than the Earthly institution, more than our personal judgments. The gospel is your life. That alone has more value than any measure of judgement that others may portray. You have so much yet to share. Thanks for sharing with us. We feel your pain. We understand it. Were here if needed.

Scot said...

"I spend most of my waking moments thinking of directly/indirectly of what my life means because I am gay..."

I'm confident you'll find an answer; just never give up.

"as has been prophesied."

I'm curious to which scripture this is referring. Can you point me in the right direction?

Robert said...

Hey man, don't go anywhere. There are so many options...not just two. There's always (well, after you finish school) the option to change scenery. I think being gay in UT can be either really good or really bad for the person's emotional health. Moving to a new city, getting a decent job, and riding a lot has always fixed things for me...at least for a year or two. Strip all the drama-causing crap away and I'll tell you what you've got. A bike, gun, love for nature, good work skills, and nothing roping you down. Finish school, then go anywhere and get whatever job you want. Getting away from the dogmatic routines is what'll allow you to find a new life. Right now, the turn of every corner enrolls you in yet another programmed routine. Wait till you can go somewhere new and I think you'll see that there is so much more color and possibilities than you believed.

Let me know if that made any sense. But I mean it. Look at who you really are and you'll see that you're set to do whatever and go where-ever.