Saturday, December 20, 2008

"haha"


ok, it is self explanatory, if you recognize me and you know me don't make a big deal out of it ok...

oh and it was amazing, it was not just because what everybody knows about it, it goes way deeper on so many levels...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

freakn a
what is it with the world... I'm sick of this monotony called life, I keep waiting for something new and exciting but it never will come...
I saw the end of a movie called "I am David" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-ayK9m0f_Q basically it's about a boy that was a prisoner in WWII and is trying to find something in Denmark... it turns out his mom wrote a book about the whole thing and was famous and he was able to leave his horrible childhood behind for a brighter future.

Is it just me or do other people wish something like this would happen to them? I am always secretly hoping that my life will take a dramatic turn for the better... I hoped when I turned 18 that someone would say ha it was all a joke and your a rich millionaire.

so I guess I should realize that this is never going to happen and I make my own success... obviously I'm not very good at it because I'm failing one of my classes and I don't even care, I have two papers to write for it and every time I think of them I make myself sick. I don't even care that it will drop my graduating GPA below 3.0 if I ever get that far... so yes I realize that this is part of my problem but I really don't know what to do about it. I have always had a problem with hating my miserable life but somehow I get through it, now this makes things harder...
It seems everything always comes back to this and I should do something about it but what? I don't want to got to a psychiatrist but maybe thats my answer... whatever I'm going on vacation for 3 weeks and this blasted year is almost over.

Monday, December 8, 2008

finals

I know by writing this I may get some flack and just saying that maybe I need to change something but right now I have absolutely no desire to live... (NO I AM NOT REFERRING TO ANYTHING TO DO WITH SUICIDE...) I pretty much know basically why I feel this way but I don't know what to do about it. I have this class and every time I have an assignment due I dread it and put it off and hate it, somehow I usually get it done but not without a lot of pain and misery. Just saying this should throw out all kinds of sirens and lights, but I don't know what to do. I have no desire to finish the class even though I know I could probably pass it if I just wrote the stupid paper (and I hope I write it) I know I have so much to live for but I don't understand how something like this can cripple every aspect of my life. I have literally been sitting in front of my computer for days I have quite a bit of [good] research and all I have to do is write the freakn thing.
I know it will be friday in an instant and whatever happens will be in the past and I know I will make it to friday regardless what happens, I just wish I didn't have to suffer through whatever it is that happens...

Saturday, December 6, 2008

milk

so I woke up this morning and was thinking it might be fun if whoever wanted to get together and go watch milk... as far as I can tell its only in one theater in slc (im not sure about provo...) so yeah whatever works... im gonna go watch it sometime but if people wanted we could get together...

Friday, December 5, 2008

venting... beware...

curse so I'm going to vent and I don't want sympathy I just have to say this and forget about it
I know profanity isn't necessary but I'm sure it will be in here so beware...
yesterday I woke up at 6:30 am for a follow up visit to my dermatologist. I went in and it was the same routine, he looks at me for literally 30 secs and says "It looks good" and I leave...
today I was charged 84 dollars... usually it's only 50ish, I didn't say anything because I was like what the fuck in my head and I didn't want to deal with it... (I might call up billing later but I don't even care anymore..) I owe this guy over 2500 dollars and I've paid him about 1000 so far. I don't have insurance and at first he was discounting everything because of that...
anyway I'm taking out a student loan this semester if I ever finish the paper work and guess where it's all going yeah I forgot to say they started charging me interest every month with out telling me. I'm just going to pay it off and forget about it. if I didn't get the point across I'm fucking pissed about the whole situation and even though I could do a hell of a lot with 2500 not even considering its a loan that I will have to pay back I wouldn't care if I bought 2500 dollars worth of gum drops and threw them away I feel I would get more for my money...

you might ask why I have a 3500 dollar bill at a dermatologist... well I'm very vain and I didn't like my nose... so yeah I guess I should say god hates me cause I'm gay and so for whatever reason I have skin cancer (just so nobody freaks out it is NOT melanoma, melanoma is the only deadly kind of skin cancer. I've had it since I was 20 but found out about it last summer) regardless it is bull shit.
venting ends...(kind of)
on another note as I was riding home I realized I needed to get gas and I was going to stop at a chevron that was on my way home but I never made it... gas mileage drops during the winter due to how they refine it (during the winter the refineries do something I can't remember what exactly to make it work better in colder weather) so my calculations on when I need to get gas are off... anyway this is my email that got posted on www.payitforwardtoday.org

Giving Gasoline and "PIF"

I figured I'd write you with my own type of PIF that was directed at me. I ride a motorcycle and I know relatively to the mile when I need to get gas. Well this morning I pushed it too far, I was not too far from a gas station but far enough that it would of been a pain to push the bike to the station. When it happened I only could blame myself. I pushed it into a neighborhood and I guess someone getting ready for work saw me and came out saying he had a gas can he would let me use, I thought sweet that way I won't have to buy one. When he brought it out and handed it to me it was full, it caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say, all I needed was a few ounces to save me a bunch of time.

I'm really independent and I have never really been in a situation where I was the one that needed help but I was very greatful for the guy going out of his way to make my life a lot easier when he could of just ignored the whole situation. I didn't know how to thank him other then just to say thank you, and to continue to "pay it forward"


so I don't know, I don't think the trouble that I would of encountered would add up to the difference of the 30ish dollars I had to overpay my doctor but it actually made my day quite abit better...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

thanksgiving...

I went to my aunts house which is somewhere quite a few hours away from here (I don't know why I care about anonymity but whatever) I rode with my cousins family and looking back I don't know why, I thought I would do homework but that didn't happen. anyway the main point of this blog was I stopped wearing my "g's" the beginning of this year sometime but nobody has mentioned anything to me. I have thought about what I would say if someone questioned me but not in any depth and not for awhile. It was bound to happen and I guess I knew if anyone were to say something it would be my aunt. (she was cooking dinner while I chit chatted with her...) I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say (it was like a deer in the headlights, I haven't experienced many of these experiences...) so I think she realized it and dropped it, with only a few moments of awkward silence following it was relatively painless... or was it? I don't know what to do, I am looking for reasons to come out but I don't want to bother people with their lives, my aunt is a very nice lady, I think since my mom died, they were sisters in a small family my uncle is the "black sheep" that nobody talks about, she has kind of "taken in" my brother and I since we're still single. so whats my point? I don't want to bother her with this, she might be helpful in offering advice and what not but she is one of the "churchy" people, and thats what her answers would consist of... obviously I'm judging her but should I "bother" her with this? (yes I know she asked about it, but she doesn't realize what that answer really consists of)

in other news, I have 2 weeks till I fly to the east coast to hang out with friends for 3 weeks ! all I have to do is write about 30 pages of B.S. and take 2 tests...!