Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009

is there really a way out?

I know I'm depressed but when I hear of news that makes me wish it would end it doesn't help... so yeah my blog is a bunch of negative depressive posts... owell I'll look back and remember these things and I know I grow from every experience but seriously GOD how much more can I take?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

disappear...

so hmmm maybe it's classic holiday depression but I really don't like the holidays and thankfully I am avoiding all family get togethers by disappearing for thanksgiving (each family gathering thinks I'm at the other...) and driving to my best friends in boston for christmas (like last year).  However it doesn't resolve the fact that I'm tired with my life.  I love my job but other then that I'm sick of dealing with my life.  
Including,
my family and the gay issue and I've only came out to my oldest brother and his wife. 
school, and trying to graduate
debt
health issues
my lack of living conditions
the worlds problems (I really don't give a fuck about all the current events and just want to live my own little life, but alas that is not possible...)
 
I just want a real family that cares or maybe I want my own family where I fall sadly in love with some random guy and we make a life together (I don't know if I'm willing to allow myself to do this, that is the love part...?)
 
anyway what I really want to say is why can't I follow the one thing that some old church literature said that has always been on my mind, (seriously I can remember hearing it as a teenager and I think about it often)
basically to the effect of "[the purpose of life is to] learn to live life happily"
so like my long lost friend ZINJ I just want to disappear into nothingness... speaking of which HAS ANYBODY HEARD FROM HIM?

Monday, November 23, 2009

"...beer and wine"

so yeah an interesting night, I'm a member of a underground environmental movement and we're starting a monday FHE night just getting together and hanging out... so that in it self is interesting and sweet... anyway... other then many being "ex mormon" and playing off the FHE thing there was alcohol, since I never tried champagne I figured why not... well there was only enough left for a taste so they broke out the wine... and yeah wow... ummm other then my friend tasting it before me and saying that is excellent and then me barley and literally choking it down (I didn't think things got worse then beer) what is with people and liking rotten beverages? it smells like a compost heap and I'm sure they taste quite similar... I guess I'm not meant to drink (I don't mind, and am kinda relieved) I haven't tried any of the vodkas yet but hopefully I have the same experience...
other then that I am just living life at the moment... till the next fun event in my life that I can blog about...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

2nd post

just over 1 year and 11 months I posted a story about my first speeding ticket... well a similar situation went down this afternoon just lamer... UGHHH wtf, when I think about it I'm "grateful" I didn't get some bad ticket like hardcore speeding (which I do) but getting a ticket for some pathetic reason like crossing the solid line while merging onto the freeway cause there's a slow truck in front of you... FUCK you mr "copper" I mean yeah your doing your job but serious how lame is that... UGH like I said. I'm gonna stop thinking about it now.

I was gonna post my thoughts on the suicide issue because I realize whatever it is I put up last night wasn't very obvious... so that will wait, I'm going to sleep.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

caption


so beside the point of me going to church I thought it would be fun for people to make up a caption for this picture (this is a real picture from today...)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

suicide

I do things in the very spur of the moment so today when I read this
http://www.dailyutahchronicle.com/news/student-remembered-as-passionate-hard-working-1.1940500 I wanted to email the friend and ask her what the untold story was??? so I found her on facebook and I wrote this email... but I need to go through it before I send it to make sure my point is clear and that I'm not being a complete jerk... so yeah tell me what you think...

to start, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend.

I am curious though about somethings, I really don't know how to bring this up but I guess the reasons don't matter it's the fact that 2 people thought that suicide was the answer.

there has to be a reason behind it and I guess that is what bothers me. I think it should be brought to the open (I am not the one to do it nor would I even consider it). there is more to it then the quote from his dad implying that it was school.

so again I really don't know why I am writing to you, I guess I just want to know why you think he did it... since I am a complete stranger you can be honest with me for my sake or you can ignore this email altogether.

I guess the way I look at it is, suicide is the ultimate voluntary (to a degree) way to give up and move on. so it is a decision (to a degree) that the person made. to avoid others from doing the same thing you should confront the issue publicly even if it is hard... I say this because a relatively close friend of mine killed himself because he was gay. I knew this and I know his family knew this but for everyone else it was left to he struggled with depression and couldn't overcome it. So it is a disservice to all those who have the problem because they continue to suffer in silence.

It seems this could be the case because his friend killed himself 8 months ago and now here we are today. and so the world can learn from this even if it is one person, but either way I will move on and only remember this when I hear a story of someone who gave up.

Monday, September 14, 2009

as the world turns...

so where should this begin? Today was one of those mondays where it's just another day. I went to work and on my lunch one of my coworkers stopped me telling me a mutual coworker in another department was killed in a recreational accident. This guy was a really nice friendly guy. I feel cheated for his life (he had his shit together) and his small family. I knew him pretty well and he probably would of said damn I didn't expect that to happen... I don't know if this bothers me so much cause I see it happening to me. At the same time it's my curse to live this hell as some cruel punishment... so yeah reminiscing memories is a good thing but it also sucks. WTF... I guess life goes on... so heres to my life update more will come... school sucks that also isn't anything new...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

I'm alive...

it's true, I made it back from my vacation alive... I won't go into too much detail but I figure I'm not going to be vague about it either because that is boring... (and I'm trying not to be paranoid about the whole anonymity thing...) I rode my motorcycle 8000 miles to the Arctic Ocean in Alaska... plus everything I will talk about I thought about for countless hours as I drove countless miles... so explanations are needed.

I think I just figured out what I'm mostly looking for. How do I move on with my life? Yeah I'm gay, yeah I was raised LDS, NOW WHAT??? SO I guess I'll work with that for now...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

yikes

well a lot has happened, I keep thinking that I have grown a lot and won't be able to grow anymore but then I look back and see that I continue to grow... maybe learn is a better word? ANYWAY... I continue to figure out what my life is to me... I am going on a VERY VERY BIG TRIP soon and am SO EXCITED... from it I hope to find more direction and I hope that I will be able to trust myself and finish school and become somebody... I am a least starting to believe this. so life will continue on and I hope it continues in a good way... I know things will come up but I just hope I can deal with them more positively now... anyway if you want to know more about my trip let me know I'm not going to talk much about it but I do have a separate blog that I will track my journey...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

it is DONE!

right well this won't be too much detail but I DID IT !!! I was planning and planning on telling my sister in law and finally I said I WILL do it this weds(today) and I did... SO she is the one I was way most stressed about. It was weird but it went well (enough) we did the chit chat for quite awhile and I was trying to figure out what to say... finally I started that awakward stubling of words trying to say something and I think she got the picture... she sat down and I think basically I said "what would you think if I told you I was gay..." after that it was said and so I was thinking to myself I DID IT !!! she asked the generic questions how do you know... which I stumbled over and said I'm attracked to guys and I'm not attracked to women... then blah blah blah and she basically took the stand that I have to stay faithful to the gospel... (I don't think we talked if that consisted of being active) but for now that is fine, I don't know what the future holds I am pretty sure though until she understands more and "warms" up to the idea I will leave it at that... We did talk that getting married to a girl isn't an option (and I didn't mention the alternative cause for right now I know her feelings on that...) she said she was glad I told her, and yeah I did it...!
more to follow... I guess I am a little nervous of her finding my blog so I wonder if anyone has advice for that, other then closing it out for invited readers only...??? can you just put a password on it that I could give everyone I don't know I think some of the stuff I have said would push her over the edge...?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

happiness?

right on, where should I start? The fact that the most miserable semester of my life is almost over, 5 days and only one final, (though I will have to finish a large portion of all semesters homework for 2 classes). Or the fact that I should have graduated this semester but since I am a lazy slacker that didn't happen.
So where do you find happiness? I thought I have grown a lot these past few months but I still have an intense hatred for myself. This blog summed things up but I almost don't apply... http://a-struggler.blogspot.com/2009/04/self-abuse.html I have tried being honest with myself and it helps but I still don't get it. I will be out to most of my immediate family by the end of the month. I want to go to AK free and clear and hope that I find some kind of permanent peace... I have always believed that I could move on with my own life once I graduated from college so I guess I will still wait and see if that ends up happening.
as for other news... I still don't want to jump the gun or curse myself but things seem to be working out for my relationship status...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I never thought it'd happen...

so last week I got a compatible partners account from eharmony, I was hoping for a miracle that I am not holding my breath for... anyway it's free for 6 months so what do you have to lose? well the first match it gave me that lived in utah was promising, he was cool, normal, average, and hmm he liked bikes! so we went through the process of getting to know each other (it's all lined out and is basically 5 steps) we decided to go to dinner and talked very effortlessly and then the next day (saturday) went for a fun ride together and he was a good sport cause it was kinda cold and ugly weather (he has a nice bike too!)... so yeah I don't want to jump to conclusions or curse myself but if anything it gives me hope there are regular peope that have my same interests... (who would of thought) I guess I'm ready for something new that is a positive thing so I will be open to whatever happens and go from there...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

follow up, coming out again?

this is going to be quick I'm in a rush but I think I need to let everyone know the results...
Alan convinced me that this was important enough that I needed to really TALK to my brother about this, after I talked to Alan I realized how right he was. I think I have been used to coming out to "safe" people that I knew would take it well so going out on a limb and coming out to someone that had no experience with it and then having it go well made me think that all was well. SO basically my thought process was this is WHY I came out to him to educate him and dispel stereotypes. SO I emailed him saying we needed to go to lunch. I figured I'd give him time and do it at the end of the week, it turns out I forgot he was going out of town so we actually did it yesterday!?!?! I kinda freaked out and was worried cause I also needed time to plan but I knew what I wanted to say so I outlined it and though it didn't go how I planned I did say everything I wanted to. Basically his concerns we valid just because he didn't know any better, I told him that is part of the problem because most "gays" are normal. We did have a discussion going but he still didn't say too much though I know he knows my intentions. I also told him that I was offended by what he said. I guess this whole situation was good because I think I am going to use the same basic outline to come out to his wife (who I am scared of how she will take it...) so I also have a bit of reality and will be ready for the extreme???
basically things worked out... and I feel even better knowing that we understand each other. now to pass my classes this semester... ugh...
oh and thanks for every bodies concern and encouragement

Monday, April 6, 2009

3 weeks later

ok I don't know what it is but I think more honest conversations come through written methods like email... I emailed my brother because I didn't know how to tell my sister in law... this is his reply...

Get married to a nice girl and have four kids. Get insurance. Be happy and independent and successful. Then you won't disappoint or hurt her. My only concern is that you don't molest any of our children, since they say 90% of abuse comes from a close relative. While the our family is completely dysfunctional, my family is Utah normal. Spoiled kids, messy house, good income, popular in the church and neighborhood. Gay brother coming out of the closet. She will deal with it. Tell her. We love you and want the best for you. Not the gay best, the "Get married to a nice girl and have four kids. Get insurance. Be happy and successful" best.

so I don't know how to reply to this, I'm pretty sure he wasn't serious about the molesting part at least not totally serious, if he was that hurts a lot... I see that he cares but he is completely clueless to the whole issue... which is understandable since he never has dealt with this, so I guess time will tell with what happens... anyway I don't know why I'm posting this I guess if someone has some ideas for the next step that would be nice...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

the best weekend of my life...!?

It's done, I did It! it was monumental, things couldn't of gone better if I planned it all out. This weekend was completely bazaar. It started out by me going to sleep thursday night at about 1ish, I had been finishing a report that was due earlier that week. I had to wake up at 5am to goto work for 13 hours so with roughly 5 hours of sleep I spent working till 6:30pm. Overall work wasn't bad, it was my first huge double shift and it went by relatively fast, I got a lot of thinking done and some of that included trying to convince myself that I was going to come out to my brother this weekend.
I got off work and went home and figured I'd call my brother to see what was going on and it turns out that his wife and kids all went to visit her parents. He was still at work and so I figured I'd go watch him do whatever he does at work. It turns out that I ended up helping him do random things for the next 3 hours so basically I worked 16 hours on 5 hours of sleep... anyway I kept thinking about the situation and figure how and when I was going to do it. I figured the sooner the better or else I might talk myself out of it. We talked about normal random stuff and he explained how his systems did what they did... (I'm being vague on purpose for this part, sorry)so afterward he said that he owed me dinner and I was ok but "buy local first" and he thought of a cool bar/restaurant that he wanted to goto... We got their and ordered our food and again kept talking about whatever. The bar itself was AWESOME, I totally didn't feel like I was in Utah it was very unique... I thought he had been there before but he never had, so between the uniqueness of the place and the fact that the situation was perfect for a memory to last a life time I knew this was the time... Finally it clicked, I had the perfect intro to the topic and so I said do you want me to tell you something that you probably don't want to know... and his instant reply was "your gay" and I said yes... then there was some light joking (at first I couldn't tell if he was serious and knew or if he was joking, there were a few instances in the past few weeks that I was questioning if he figured out something, I don't know how to explain it but I swear that he was acting a little different then normal... I know this doesn't make any sense but I'm putting it in for me to remember...) and then I said something and I think he said "your serious" and it started to sink in... then his statement was something like " Jen, his wife is going to kick your butt" I said basically that I knew it'd be hard for her and I didn't want to cause any problems (see the last few posts where I told her sister and the conv. that ensued) there was some more basic conversation and he said "thats all she wants, you to get married have a little family, and good health insurance" I said, I know I wish it was that easy... then at the end after more generic chit chat and some that focused on the topic... he was figuring out the tip... and I think I might of went to far with overwhelming him... he was going to give like a 4 dollar tip and I said just give him $20... I was like haven't you ever just did something crazy like that and not thought about it... he said no. Then he said what do you like him... now that was pretty good, (earlier he got pretty wet with a spraying hose" and so I said do you want to get wet again... I explained it numerous ways, that it was a way small little bar/restaurant with not many people there (earlier he even commented on that) and I said how would you feel if you got a $20 dollar tip, he said he once got a $200 dollar tip, so I commented back, see how'd you feel, he said "I earned it" and I said well maybe this guy didn't earn it but he deserves it, you said yourself it's a friday night and there are not many people here. so we left it and left... I wasn't even thinking but (obviously I rode there and it was freakn cold but I left my gloves. We were outside getting ready to leave he comes out as we were leaving with my gloves and says you forgot these... now obviously I would of realized it eventually but he walked out and gave them to me I said thanks and after he left I told my brother see, these gloves are a lot more then $20 so it all worked out... (now I think we know that the guy wouldn't of kept them but I think by this time my brother understood what I was trying to do...) though like I said together it might of been a little overwhelming... either way it is DONE, it feels good but at the same time I kinda feel more spazed out cause I feel I have to justify shit and explain it but this is so far how it was left... We went home and he wanted to watch "The fifth element" cause it was his favorite movie and was appalled that I never watched it. We stayed up till 2am which I think is hilarious cause he isn't like that... I really liked the movie but I couldn't stand the extremeness of the acting, I guess he said it was made for the french though it was in english he said it isn't generic hollywood acting... after the movie was over I had to say something cause literally the acting/costumes were pretty "gay" I don't know how else to explain it. I am trying to get away from using that word to generalize and explain things but I swear it was, so I explained it and he accepted it though he didn't really see it that way which is kinda surprising... anyway at 2am both of us wasted tired I thought I needed to clarify the whole evening, I said that when I say gay I mean generally, I'm not femmy and whatever stereotypes people think of... I said this because I kinda got a feeling that was what he was thinking, and that would be a little extreme so from that the night ended...

my thoughts were as follows: I totally felt loved in a weird way though, but my family is pretty weird so it works... and looking back at it I really really do feel loved, not by my brother alone but the whole situation, how it came together... I am myself and this won't change much, I know that is the basic theme of why places like equality utah wants you to come out, to prove that gay people aren't the stereotypes and that everybody knows/loves someone who is gay...

Saturday not too much happened, after waking up I didn't know what I was going to do, I had some different plans but wasn't firm with any of them. I ended up staying and working on my motorcycle for like 4 or 5 hours with my brother watching me...? weird I know, I kinda thought he felt obligated but he was also still tired from the late night. I don't know but it was fun we talked mostly about whatever and I got a bunch done on my bike!
He had stake conference meetings so yeah we ate at a neighbors house and then he went to his meetings, I thought about doing my paper but figured I'd do it today (sunday) and I fell asleep around 8ish... and didn't wake up till 7... wow I just realized I got a lot of sleep...
Sunday morning I had to go back to work and so I woke up and was going to eat some generic breakfast and he comes in saying Jen (his wife) said we should make sticky buns... I was like hmmm ok but I think I have to be at work in 45 mins... so he started cooking, I guess our conversation went to church cause I admitted to working on sundays either way it was valid but he asked if I still went to church or something to that effect and I said that I really don't like utah singles wards... he then asked what if there was a gay ward? I said well thats would probably be worse... so yeah I hope he realizes I'm not really different the inactive thing I'm sure was a blow but I think he knew that, and now just felt like he could ask about it. Later he asked a question about "James" (my brother that is just older then me and isn't married and is kind of publicly inactive) I answered it then I said well if it makes you feel any better but James's old girlfriend (who wasn't LDS) liked your family and didn't like Georges (my very conservative brother)at all... he said who am I to say who James dates... so curious I said what if it was a guy, to see his general reaction and he said the basic thing again. so that was really surprising? As we were eating he said something about a time at my grandfathers birthday (I wasn't there) but it turns out I have a gay cousin!? though our extended family isn't really close it was very surprising, and he said from what he saw everybody treated him well (I guess he brought a boyfriend...) then referring to my dad he said that he should be able to accept it cause my grandfather stopped talking to him for 10 years after he joined the church so he should be more accepting...

as I was leaving he said "call me if you need anything" and I totally know he meant it and that it was in reference to dealing with everything... overall I think my brother knows I'm not that different? I am still completely surprised how everything worked out. I'd almost chalk it up to planning from an external source? I really feel like things will work out and that if anything for the greater good of the gay community I will be completely out over time.

as for this post, I know it was long and very sporadic, for that I am sorry, but I wanted to get my thoughts down before I forgot them and I still need to finish that paper I talked about so this was rushed... anyway it is what it is and so thats it...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

prayers for bobby (youtube)

I am writing this to an old friend who has a gay friend who I am out to...

I'm sorry for bringing this up but I need to know if you have heard of the movie "prayers for bobby" it was made by lifetime. It hasn't been released on DVD but you can watch it on youtube,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K206-hYTe_I
parts 1 - 10 I'd guess it's about 70-80 mins total
(*** this is the first time I saw it... and I was stoked to see the whole thing on you tube...)
I guess I come to you for many reasons, I don't know how things have gone with you and your son but I am still trying to understand things. As you know my mom died and so again I come to you in a sense looking for answers (or acceptance) and maybe even love. However I don't want to cause you any undo heartache... and therefore I am sorry.

these are my thoughts as I watched the movie...

I tried to avoid my family because of this (being gay) but I couldn't, it was because I hated myself but I wanted to be loved/accepted... I know this will change things FOREVER (once I "come out") but I guess it can either be for the better or worse... I can't go on like this much longer, death is not the answer but sometimes it seems like it is, Even if they don't like it or accept it please let this life be normal, whatever happens in the next, doesn't matter, I just need to live without fear...

my family was destroyed when my mom died so it doesn't really matter what happens I guess I just hope things can work out...

I don't really care if it is a sin, my only options are life or death and I want to choose life... (either way I am going to hell so why can't I just live this life... (I don't necessarily believe this but )

I do think the movie helps me want to avoid suicide (seriously don't worry I don't think about this much if any...I do admit that yes I have in the past...) Which is worse being gay or suicide... both are hard on the family however.

I JUST WANT TO DIE, I NEVER WANTED TO EXIST, I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS... I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

part 01 - 7:22 through part 02 - 3:10
I wish I could go to my brother like this, I wish I was close to him like this
How can I EVER be successful in this life if all I have is despair, how can I ever accomplish ANYTHING when all I think about is despair.

if all the shit is true in the bible then death is the punishment and so suicide is the answer. If god exists he has to deal with this one way or another and the way the world thinks we are condemned to hell therefore we have nothing to lose, so why not take the chance of living.

I've never felt more alive then I do right now...(after watching this and accepting this and coming close to coming out to my family) I have hope, the only problem is when I feel like this I am afraid of being killed... I don't know why but when I don't want to die I am afraid of it but when I want to die I can't... I guess this is a good thing.

"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening." - Mary Griffith

Sunday, February 15, 2009

the response to the reply

this might be getting confusing but basically I am doing it so I can have a record of what happens...


I'm not sure where to start other then to say thanks... At the moment I am just taking life as it comes and not doing anything extreme in any direction. I know that most people in the church understand what it means to be "gay" but for those that don't know anyone personally I think it would be hard to recognize it or to be suspicious of it. I guess the next step is to find out what my brother thinks... For me, a huge red flag is it is pretty obvious that I don't date, I know that doesn't mean much but sometimes I wonder if people are adding things up in their heads... I guess out of everyone I would have thought you would be the one to figure it out first so I'm doing pretty good if I caught you off guard. Don't get me wrong I think I'm close to being ready to talk to my brother so I'll let you know...

Here is a little history if your interested. Basically after I came home from my mission I was at a high point in my life when it came to the gospel. This went on for about a year, however reality is hard to ignore and this issue was ALWAYS on my mind. Trying to realize what it all meant and where I stood with what I knew to be true (the gospel) and what I couldn't deny (the "feelings") so basically I was bashing my head against a brick wall which isn't healthy by any means... my life literally was falling apart in front of me and I didn't know what to do. (a side note your parents were/are amazing people and true example of showing the pure love of Christ)

I needed to be alone to figure things out, I know this isn't good. (This is basically why I am starting to make things "public"). I know that I could of stayed at your parents home through my career at [unnamed college] but I always kinda of felt guilty for whatever reason... (again I know this feeling wasn't justified but I think it had to do with getting away from everything) regardless I had a good job and so I moved in with a friend...

I pretty much just pressed pause and got through [unnamed college] but again I was pretty much constantly thinking about some aspect of what everything meant. When I moved to SLC to continue going to the U of U I was naive in thinking I could keep ignoring it. I was going into chemistry which is a STRESSFUL major when your focused, so again things quickly feel apart. I basically dropped out of school the first semester I got here. (nobody knows this little fact) Somehow I heard of a major called environmental studies and I looked into it, it was basically a major created just for me... it involves a lot of science with very little (almost no) math.

SO I started over the next semester and completly LOVED ALL my classes.

That was a year ago now, I am really close to graduation but I think I am going to have to go next fall semester because of the inevitable missing credit that you don't realize until it's too late... and now I am also trying to deal with the other side of me in a more open way, hence why I emailed you to get things moving... So again to bring it full circle I am just taking things as they come and not doing anything drastic. I guess I will go into the chruch in my next email but I need to send this so I don't keep you waiting...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

the "reply"

so this looks like it's going to be a little harder then I expected? I know she is sincere and does care for me... so I guess I will just try and explain things as best I can... I will post what I reply to her but I'm open to any suggestions prior to try and explain the "trying to fight your feelings"... so thanks in advance...

my name here,
Well I have to say I am a little speechless and I don't know quite what to say. But know that I do love you and I want to be a good friend/sister and be here to support you. I do have many questions and I don't want to seem like a prude, but have you considered the "spiritual" side of this, I mean are you trying to "fight" your feelings or do you accept them as final? Have you spoken to a bishop? I think that the family would have the hardest time accepting this because we believe that it is a sin (as I"m sure you know) we would all be concerned for your welfare in that matter. But ultimately we love the sinner and hate the sin right? Please don't be offended, I just want to understand you better. As for the family, I can only imagine that you would not want to tell your dad? I think that your brother would be the one to talk to first. I don't think that anyone in my family is suspicious. You certainly took me by surprise. Please let me know what I can do to help and I am here to listen to you and help you talk to my family. I know that in my husbands family there is a cousin that is Gay. It is never really talked about. He lives with a man but they don't come to family events together and I really don't know if he ever "came out" to his parents. But we all still love him. I will do whatever I can to help you.
Please keep talking to me.
her

Monday, February 9, 2009

holy hell

Ok, I just sent this letter to my sister in laws sister... (confusing yes) but once you read it you'll understand, basically there is NO turning back... I trust her that she will keep it a secret and I'm sure she will help me but I guess I'll see what happens...

her name, (sorry I'm not good at making up names...)

I'm writing you to ask for some advice, I don't want you to get the wrong idea so whatever your thinking it's not that, just keep reading...
I have always felt comfortable around you, yes I'm sure you realize your sisters can be a little intimidating to someone not familiar to your family. (you never had the naivety that comes with being from Utah) Anyway your probably curious why I'm writing you an email. But I have always know I could talk to you about anything. Please don't be offended by this because the way I say it, it might not come out the way I want it to but you are different then your sisters. I can't remember the first time I met you specifically but I assume it was during a christmas... anyway like I said I didn't feel awkward around you, where as it took awhile before I was comfortable around everyone else. I felt like you never saw my situation as strange and was just a genuine friend? (trust me I thought it was very out of the ordinary)
anyway the reason I am writing to you is because I am looking for advice and I know you won't judge me for the reason. I know it is only a matter of time before it becomes apparent. I might as well just tell you straight out but again right now I tell you this in the strictest of confidence. her name, I am "gay" and by that I mean homosexual. Now that you know I am first curious to your initial reaction. (from the few friends I have told they are not all that surprised when it is all added up, but I'd like to think I have done a good job in masking it...) and another thing I don't want you to feel guilty for "harassing" me about a girlfriend, it doesn't really bother me.
Anyway, now you know what kind of situation I'm in.
Overtime I have personally come to terms with this (basically I have know since before I was 12 but didn't realize what it meant till much later). I'm sure you're kind of shocked but nothing as to what others will be. This is why I need someone on the "inside" that can give me advice as to how to "come out." I'm not in too big of rush but I don't want to be put on the spot when people might add things up. I want to do it in a way that is sincere with respect to everyone's feelings.
Don't get me wrong, there have been times in my family that I wanted to do it in a way that would be rude and hurtful. But when it comes to your family that has never been the case. And when it comes to the connection between your family and mine, that is where I need the help. Overall with time I'm sure your sister will be okay with it (I hope) and I don't have a problem with (my brother) but together I have no clue where to start.

Thanks for "listening" (reading)
me

Saturday, January 31, 2009

friday trib article...

ok I know I should just stop watching/reading any type of news...

http://www.sltrib.com/Salt%20Lake%20Tribune%20Home%20Page/ci_11573218

this isn't a direct quote from Monson but I take it that it's true:

"He has made it clear to the bishops of the church that people come before programs. If there must be a choice between helping those in need and maintaining a program, the people in need are always to be helped, even if it means disrupting programs."

the last point the article makes is about support for prop 8... so to me it doesn't add up, Monson says people come before programs but I guess were not people?

whatever is all I can say... someday it will catch up to them, I just wish there was a way to write to the church and complain and get noticed, it doesn't matter and doesn't get anywhere if you just keep it local (ie: ward/stake) so I will just keep it all inside and let the true church slip away cause they don't want to amend it... what can you expect help the minority or keep the majority content...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

ugh...

so a long story shorter then it would be... I had a appointment with my "new" (as of 6 months ago) bishop... who is just trying to meet everybody... well I know I'm a horrible person so when I saw him my initial impression was nope I'm not going into any kind of gay detail... and I didn't. I don't know what it is and I don't really care but I didn't want to get into a deep discussion so I kept it completely clear of anything that would lead to anything... first off my apt. was for 8:30 and I got there at 8:23 so I'm ok with an apt. going late but some kid comes rushing in and knocks on the door and obviously the bishop is talking to someone so the kid sits down and when the previous apt. is over he goes straight in... very annoying... anyway I finally go in at 8:50 and again I'm not feeling it so I play it very cool. I don't lie about anything but he asked how I was doing and I said "great" and then there was the common chit chat and he asked if I wanted to talk to him about anything and I said "no" then some more chit chat and I basically told him singles wards where not my thing and he said I could goto a regular ward (point for him, I might just do it because I can) then the loaded question was basically "do you see yourself going to church later on when you don't live in utah" and I said something like "I do miss church outside of utah" so then he just gave me some generalized advice and I was gone by 9:00...
I thought of basically making it this my last interview and voicing my concern with the churches actions during the prop 8 debate but I'm off the hook with this ward and now I might go to the other ward and see what that bishop is like otherwise I will just continue on with how my life has been as an inactive member...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

LOST

so I don't know where to start, I'm a pretty big fan of LOST and I think I will go crazy waiting a week for each new episode... I don't know how many people follow it but I think it's pretty good on multiple levels. so the reason for this post is again a sappy lame story of what a loser I am.

This is how I see it, I know it's mostly because I'm alone a lot and don't have close friends but as I watched the session primer I became down hearted to my situation. Some of this may not make sense if you don't watch it but I'll try and explain. Hugo and Sayid are pretty good friends and Sayid pretty much has Hugo's back because Hugo is kinda naive to his surroundings. Anyway Sayid gets knocked out with some type of dart and they both are running from the cops. Hugo doesn't know what to do so he goes to his dad for help. I see their really good friendship and then a huge trust when Hugo asks his dad for help thus involving love. I look at my life (and yes I know it's only a TV show) but I just want to feel that true love between friends and family. I know this is sappy but when I was a kid my mom said something to the effect that you can't survive if you arn't loved. I know that people love me including my family and yes my "blogger" friends but I don't have any true love (whatever that is) just a real friendship a happy reality free almost careless friendship...? I wouldn't go to my family for anything serious (hence why I haven't told them about who I really am) I do have my friends that I trust but they have their own lives.

none of this is making much sense I'm sure, but what is life if you don't live it with love. I am in a sense dead, yes I live for things that make the emptiness go away temporarily, I do really enjoy my life in the day to day things but sometimes when reality really hits you wonder why...

I do have a passion that keeps me going no matter what. Every time I experience it I feel alive. But what about everything else?

I think debt is the only thing that keeps me from just vanishing from my current life and starting a completely new one. I guess this is partially crazy and/or immature but whatever, like I said I don't mind my life I just sometimes want to start over?

I don't know if I don't want to admit it or if I'm afraid of it but I think what I am explaining or wanting is a relationship, but I can't have that. The only one thing I truly want on top of all my toys that I buy myself I can't have money couldn't even buy it. First off I think the relationship I am looking for is impossible even though I know some "heterosexuals" have found it (even those that think they have it I don't think they do, but I guess who am I to judge) so the odds of me finding the perfect one if I was straight are practically impossible and throw in the fact that I'm gay, good luck.

Then you have my church (which I don't really claim but the history is hard to get away from) It forbids this in my case, seriously they are making peoples lives a LIVING HELL... but it's gods desire... it's his plan, someday you'll be blessed but till then experience hell (but oh it's better then an eternity of hell that I'm going to experience) whatever.

I think I'm just lonely I'll get over it and move on but I don't really like these times...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

to the previous generation

this post is going to be very controversial sorry...

After 8 years I have finally came to a realization that I am still trying to comprehend/understand. It has to to with Bush, the war, peak oil, and whatever else the conspiracy/anti involves. The only problem is it makes sense and it adds up. I know that you can find a following of pretty much anything and it will always make sense if you want to believe it. I'm confused, I don't know what to think/believe.

I guess I will say hypothetically if it is "true," so what? Well then I'm a citizen of a corrupt, world dominating country, of which I am ashamed of. Do I move to Canada? No because it's too cold. Mexico? Ummm I wouldn't last very long... I "stay and fight"! but what does that involve? What if it is not true? Then I just keep living my life hoping the economy picks up and that I find a job that I will be able to help things move along.

I guess in either case the outcome is the same, something needs to be done regardless of the worlds current situation. I need to get involved and start paying attention to my surroundings and just hope that all hell doesn't break loose for a little while longer so I can enjoy using petroleum to make my motorcycle move 15,000 miles this year. (just to brag thats 300 gallons of gas and I'm willing to pay around 5 dollars a gallon totaling 1500 dollars for one AMAZING summer)

What my problem is, is what does it mean to get involved. The underlying problem as I see it has got out of control. The World/USA has so many bad habits it is impossible to do anything that will make a difference. I know I have a bad attitude but what do I have to work with? I hear all the talk that we need to do something because it is us (along with the future generations) that will have to live with the resulting problems. So the actual dumb asses that got us into this again cop out and spread the blame... They say that it is our generation that has to deal with it for our future generations to live. The damn generation that is passing all the blame is STILL ****ing us over so they can live their lives the way they are used to. Not only that but it is rubbing off on our generation too, its not enough that all our generation has to deal with it but most of them still have all the same bad habits that got us into this. Why do I even care about this hopeless situation? Why cant I live it up and just die like my previous generation? Why do I have to care? I just want to mind my own business and live my lame pointless existence the way I want, just like every other 6.7 billion human being on this earth. I can go on and on and on and on but where does that get us?

I guess like my first topic, so what? Either way this is how it is right? Fine. I'm not a leader, I don't know anything when it comes to making a difference. I don't like politics and again know nothing about them. I guess I'll be an "example" I'll live meagerly and recycle and reduce my consumption on the worlds resources while nothing changes. That's POINTLESS, action needs to be taken. The dumb ass previous generation needs to change and stop everything they're doing bad and start doing something good. Or give us, the generation that has to deal with this control. and not just keep saying oh it's your problem, it's our fault but it's your problem while they keep their destructive habits the same.

I think part of my problem is I have realized this for along time and that is why I am so negative and have this bad attitude toward most everything, why I have no passion about anything, basically why I'm a looser that is pretty much depressed and hates himself and his situation and everything around him, basically why I'm miserable. I epitomize the phrase generation X, that my prior generation gives people like me.

Thats the way it is. What do I do to change? What action do I act on? How do I change all I have ever been? I'm not outgoing around people I don't know. This doesn't make a good political leader.

I've suppressed my thoughts for years and have let people walk on me, it's basically all I know. How can I make a difference? Trivial, pointless, meaningless, waste makes up our news, it's the classic "elephant in the room" nobody wants to deal with it or knows how so it is just ignored. It's the same way in the church and the churches PR doesn't help anything... re: the recent Tom Hanks blip serious Monson you need to do something about whoever is running your PR because I hope someday you regret the things that have been put out into the world...

As you can see between the worlds problem and dealing with the church I am in a corner and cannot get out. I have been literally beaten by all aspects that should have been helping me become a contributing member of society and now I cower at my responsibilities. Is there any hope? Has my life been ruined? Can I overcome all this and make a difference? What will be the initial trigger that will start the uncontrollable force that wants to lash out and avenge my character in retaliation?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

just another post...

I don't know what it is today but I got really down/blue... one of my classes slapped reality in my face and I don't think I will be the same again. (seriously) I don't know what the truth is but what was brought to my attention does add up and it makes sense. I like most don't want to believe it though. I really don't want to talk about it but maybe I will later.
I then had to talk to my father cause I have put it off for like months and he was complaining to my brother. I don't believe he is so naive when it comes to reality it's very annoying. I guess I shouldn't complain, I talk to him literally for 2 minutes or less and then don't have to for months. I just have to remember it's really not that bad.
The history behind this is long and dirty but like I said it pisses me off that he is so oblivious to the truth. It's obvious that I avoid him and don't want to deal with him but when I do give him two minuets it's so fake that it just pisses me off. SO this is still not making any sense but this is one of the reasons I don't want to come out because it would induce discussion in our family that I really don't want to deal with right now. The discussion I refer to has nothing to do with me being gay but the truth that our family is more dysfunctional then most.

SO between these two events is why I'm feeling like I just want to walk away from being a responsible adult. I don't know what I'd do though so I guess I just see what tomorrow brings.

WHY the fuck is the news SO incredibly horrible at reporting anything that has to due with news. ughhhhhhh example: fox 13 was talking about the US Airways plane that crash landed into the Hudson was due to a flock of birds, then the newscaster said rescue crews "plucked" the passengers to safety... (sorry but I guess everything is more annoying when your annoyed...)

Friday, January 2, 2009

bragging


UTES are 13 - 0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are pretty much the best college in America...



just so the the trib doesn't sue me thats where the picture is from...

20 09

I'm sure everyone has heard of Father Mychal Judge, a chaplain for the NYFD who died in the 9/11 attacks. I remember hearing about him but knew nothing about him. Over the holiday I have been at my friends house and he subscribes to netflix (which I am a HUGE fan of now... you can stream tons of movies onto your TV instantly...). I watched a documentary entitled "The Saint of 9/11" in general it was really well done but in it they talked about how he was gay. This was totally insane, I was caught off guard that this man who is in part a hero that many many people look up to is gay and it gave me hope at the same time. I know that all the people around him knew this and they still respected him, I also know there are many people that aren't phased by gay people. I think that the LDS church is on a different level, and definitely Utah is too. What has to be done to get the church caught up to current times?

I don't know what this year has in store for me, I HOPEFULLY will graduate and then in my mind I will start living my life. I know there are flaws in this way of thinking but I will be freed from family expectations and will move on with my life. (yes there are many exceptions to this including marriage and the fact that I'm gay... but that will all be dealt with in time...) I think that is why I'm so excited/nervous for this year because I know that at the end of it I will be somewhere but I have no idea where. As in previous years I knew that at the end I would still be going to school and that was pretty much it, now I should be done and have no clue what the end of this year will bring. That is why I say I can actually start living my life. I am completely excited but at the same time a little worried. There is so much worth living for and I want so much out of my life but I know that I will get overwhelmed and become depressed at points. I just hope things work out for the best. I thought at the beginning of 2008 that it was going to be a good year and that something amazing was going to happen but I don't remember thinking anything else, so I guess I was just a little early in my thinking. Now this year I know that in 363 days I hope I will look back and be amazed at it all.

a list of resolutions/goals (more goals...)

a. GRADUATE
b. go to Alaska
c. have a budget/"get out of debt"
d. become "at peace" with myself (remember the experiences that I have witnessed that make me want to live...)
e. figure out a direction to take my "new" life
f. move somewhere with warmer winters...
g. stay close to people I have met that give me hope/reason to live (including moho's and whoever else)
h. come out to my family?
i. maybe some type of relationship

I told my friends that if nothing else happens but at the end of the year I have graduated I will be completely satisfied/euphoric.