Saturday, January 31, 2009

friday trib article...

ok I know I should just stop watching/reading any type of news...

this isn't a direct quote from Monson but I take it that it's true:

"He has made it clear to the bishops of the church that people come before programs. If there must be a choice between helping those in need and maintaining a program, the people in need are always to be helped, even if it means disrupting programs."

the last point the article makes is about support for prop 8... so to me it doesn't add up, Monson says people come before programs but I guess were not people?

whatever is all I can say... someday it will catch up to them, I just wish there was a way to write to the church and complain and get noticed, it doesn't matter and doesn't get anywhere if you just keep it local (ie: ward/stake) so I will just keep it all inside and let the true church slip away cause they don't want to amend it... what can you expect help the minority or keep the majority content...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


so a long story shorter then it would be... I had a appointment with my "new" (as of 6 months ago) bishop... who is just trying to meet everybody... well I know I'm a horrible person so when I saw him my initial impression was nope I'm not going into any kind of gay detail... and I didn't. I don't know what it is and I don't really care but I didn't want to get into a deep discussion so I kept it completely clear of anything that would lead to anything... first off my apt. was for 8:30 and I got there at 8:23 so I'm ok with an apt. going late but some kid comes rushing in and knocks on the door and obviously the bishop is talking to someone so the kid sits down and when the previous apt. is over he goes straight in... very annoying... anyway I finally go in at 8:50 and again I'm not feeling it so I play it very cool. I don't lie about anything but he asked how I was doing and I said "great" and then there was the common chit chat and he asked if I wanted to talk to him about anything and I said "no" then some more chit chat and I basically told him singles wards where not my thing and he said I could goto a regular ward (point for him, I might just do it because I can) then the loaded question was basically "do you see yourself going to church later on when you don't live in utah" and I said something like "I do miss church outside of utah" so then he just gave me some generalized advice and I was gone by 9:00...
I thought of basically making it this my last interview and voicing my concern with the churches actions during the prop 8 debate but I'm off the hook with this ward and now I might go to the other ward and see what that bishop is like otherwise I will just continue on with how my life has been as an inactive member...

Saturday, January 24, 2009


so I don't know where to start, I'm a pretty big fan of LOST and I think I will go crazy waiting a week for each new episode... I don't know how many people follow it but I think it's pretty good on multiple levels. so the reason for this post is again a sappy lame story of what a loser I am.

This is how I see it, I know it's mostly because I'm alone a lot and don't have close friends but as I watched the session primer I became down hearted to my situation. Some of this may not make sense if you don't watch it but I'll try and explain. Hugo and Sayid are pretty good friends and Sayid pretty much has Hugo's back because Hugo is kinda naive to his surroundings. Anyway Sayid gets knocked out with some type of dart and they both are running from the cops. Hugo doesn't know what to do so he goes to his dad for help. I see their really good friendship and then a huge trust when Hugo asks his dad for help thus involving love. I look at my life (and yes I know it's only a TV show) but I just want to feel that true love between friends and family. I know this is sappy but when I was a kid my mom said something to the effect that you can't survive if you arn't loved. I know that people love me including my family and yes my "blogger" friends but I don't have any true love (whatever that is) just a real friendship a happy reality free almost careless friendship...? I wouldn't go to my family for anything serious (hence why I haven't told them about who I really am) I do have my friends that I trust but they have their own lives.

none of this is making much sense I'm sure, but what is life if you don't live it with love. I am in a sense dead, yes I live for things that make the emptiness go away temporarily, I do really enjoy my life in the day to day things but sometimes when reality really hits you wonder why...

I do have a passion that keeps me going no matter what. Every time I experience it I feel alive. But what about everything else?

I think debt is the only thing that keeps me from just vanishing from my current life and starting a completely new one. I guess this is partially crazy and/or immature but whatever, like I said I don't mind my life I just sometimes want to start over?

I don't know if I don't want to admit it or if I'm afraid of it but I think what I am explaining or wanting is a relationship, but I can't have that. The only one thing I truly want on top of all my toys that I buy myself I can't have money couldn't even buy it. First off I think the relationship I am looking for is impossible even though I know some "heterosexuals" have found it (even those that think they have it I don't think they do, but I guess who am I to judge) so the odds of me finding the perfect one if I was straight are practically impossible and throw in the fact that I'm gay, good luck.

Then you have my church (which I don't really claim but the history is hard to get away from) It forbids this in my case, seriously they are making peoples lives a LIVING HELL... but it's gods desire... it's his plan, someday you'll be blessed but till then experience hell (but oh it's better then an eternity of hell that I'm going to experience) whatever.

I think I'm just lonely I'll get over it and move on but I don't really like these times...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

to the previous generation

this post is going to be very controversial sorry...

After 8 years I have finally came to a realization that I am still trying to comprehend/understand. It has to to with Bush, the war, peak oil, and whatever else the conspiracy/anti involves. The only problem is it makes sense and it adds up. I know that you can find a following of pretty much anything and it will always make sense if you want to believe it. I'm confused, I don't know what to think/believe.

I guess I will say hypothetically if it is "true," so what? Well then I'm a citizen of a corrupt, world dominating country, of which I am ashamed of. Do I move to Canada? No because it's too cold. Mexico? Ummm I wouldn't last very long... I "stay and fight"! but what does that involve? What if it is not true? Then I just keep living my life hoping the economy picks up and that I find a job that I will be able to help things move along.

I guess in either case the outcome is the same, something needs to be done regardless of the worlds current situation. I need to get involved and start paying attention to my surroundings and just hope that all hell doesn't break loose for a little while longer so I can enjoy using petroleum to make my motorcycle move 15,000 miles this year. (just to brag thats 300 gallons of gas and I'm willing to pay around 5 dollars a gallon totaling 1500 dollars for one AMAZING summer)

What my problem is, is what does it mean to get involved. The underlying problem as I see it has got out of control. The World/USA has so many bad habits it is impossible to do anything that will make a difference. I know I have a bad attitude but what do I have to work with? I hear all the talk that we need to do something because it is us (along with the future generations) that will have to live with the resulting problems. So the actual dumb asses that got us into this again cop out and spread the blame... They say that it is our generation that has to deal with it for our future generations to live. The damn generation that is passing all the blame is STILL ****ing us over so they can live their lives the way they are used to. Not only that but it is rubbing off on our generation too, its not enough that all our generation has to deal with it but most of them still have all the same bad habits that got us into this. Why do I even care about this hopeless situation? Why cant I live it up and just die like my previous generation? Why do I have to care? I just want to mind my own business and live my lame pointless existence the way I want, just like every other 6.7 billion human being on this earth. I can go on and on and on and on but where does that get us?

I guess like my first topic, so what? Either way this is how it is right? Fine. I'm not a leader, I don't know anything when it comes to making a difference. I don't like politics and again know nothing about them. I guess I'll be an "example" I'll live meagerly and recycle and reduce my consumption on the worlds resources while nothing changes. That's POINTLESS, action needs to be taken. The dumb ass previous generation needs to change and stop everything they're doing bad and start doing something good. Or give us, the generation that has to deal with this control. and not just keep saying oh it's your problem, it's our fault but it's your problem while they keep their destructive habits the same.

I think part of my problem is I have realized this for along time and that is why I am so negative and have this bad attitude toward most everything, why I have no passion about anything, basically why I'm a looser that is pretty much depressed and hates himself and his situation and everything around him, basically why I'm miserable. I epitomize the phrase generation X, that my prior generation gives people like me.

Thats the way it is. What do I do to change? What action do I act on? How do I change all I have ever been? I'm not outgoing around people I don't know. This doesn't make a good political leader.

I've suppressed my thoughts for years and have let people walk on me, it's basically all I know. How can I make a difference? Trivial, pointless, meaningless, waste makes up our news, it's the classic "elephant in the room" nobody wants to deal with it or knows how so it is just ignored. It's the same way in the church and the churches PR doesn't help anything... re: the recent Tom Hanks blip serious Monson you need to do something about whoever is running your PR because I hope someday you regret the things that have been put out into the world...

As you can see between the worlds problem and dealing with the church I am in a corner and cannot get out. I have been literally beaten by all aspects that should have been helping me become a contributing member of society and now I cower at my responsibilities. Is there any hope? Has my life been ruined? Can I overcome all this and make a difference? What will be the initial trigger that will start the uncontrollable force that wants to lash out and avenge my character in retaliation?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

just another post...

I don't know what it is today but I got really down/blue... one of my classes slapped reality in my face and I don't think I will be the same again. (seriously) I don't know what the truth is but what was brought to my attention does add up and it makes sense. I like most don't want to believe it though. I really don't want to talk about it but maybe I will later.
I then had to talk to my father cause I have put it off for like months and he was complaining to my brother. I don't believe he is so naive when it comes to reality it's very annoying. I guess I shouldn't complain, I talk to him literally for 2 minutes or less and then don't have to for months. I just have to remember it's really not that bad.
The history behind this is long and dirty but like I said it pisses me off that he is so oblivious to the truth. It's obvious that I avoid him and don't want to deal with him but when I do give him two minuets it's so fake that it just pisses me off. SO this is still not making any sense but this is one of the reasons I don't want to come out because it would induce discussion in our family that I really don't want to deal with right now. The discussion I refer to has nothing to do with me being gay but the truth that our family is more dysfunctional then most.

SO between these two events is why I'm feeling like I just want to walk away from being a responsible adult. I don't know what I'd do though so I guess I just see what tomorrow brings.

WHY the fuck is the news SO incredibly horrible at reporting anything that has to due with news. ughhhhhhh example: fox 13 was talking about the US Airways plane that crash landed into the Hudson was due to a flock of birds, then the newscaster said rescue crews "plucked" the passengers to safety... (sorry but I guess everything is more annoying when your annoyed...)

Friday, January 2, 2009


UTES are 13 - 0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we are pretty much the best college in America...

just so the the trib doesn't sue me thats where the picture is from...

20 09

I'm sure everyone has heard of Father Mychal Judge, a chaplain for the NYFD who died in the 9/11 attacks. I remember hearing about him but knew nothing about him. Over the holiday I have been at my friends house and he subscribes to netflix (which I am a HUGE fan of now... you can stream tons of movies onto your TV instantly...). I watched a documentary entitled "The Saint of 9/11" in general it was really well done but in it they talked about how he was gay. This was totally insane, I was caught off guard that this man who is in part a hero that many many people look up to is gay and it gave me hope at the same time. I know that all the people around him knew this and they still respected him, I also know there are many people that aren't phased by gay people. I think that the LDS church is on a different level, and definitely Utah is too. What has to be done to get the church caught up to current times?

I don't know what this year has in store for me, I HOPEFULLY will graduate and then in my mind I will start living my life. I know there are flaws in this way of thinking but I will be freed from family expectations and will move on with my life. (yes there are many exceptions to this including marriage and the fact that I'm gay... but that will all be dealt with in time...) I think that is why I'm so excited/nervous for this year because I know that at the end of it I will be somewhere but I have no idea where. As in previous years I knew that at the end I would still be going to school and that was pretty much it, now I should be done and have no clue what the end of this year will bring. That is why I say I can actually start living my life. I am completely excited but at the same time a little worried. There is so much worth living for and I want so much out of my life but I know that I will get overwhelmed and become depressed at points. I just hope things work out for the best. I thought at the beginning of 2008 that it was going to be a good year and that something amazing was going to happen but I don't remember thinking anything else, so I guess I was just a little early in my thinking. Now this year I know that in 363 days I hope I will look back and be amazed at it all.

a list of resolutions/goals (more goals...)

b. go to Alaska
c. have a budget/"get out of debt"
d. become "at peace" with myself (remember the experiences that I have witnessed that make me want to live...)
e. figure out a direction to take my "new" life
f. move somewhere with warmer winters...
g. stay close to people I have met that give me hope/reason to live (including moho's and whoever else)
h. come out to my family?
i. maybe some type of relationship

I told my friends that if nothing else happens but at the end of the year I have graduated I will be completely satisfied/euphoric.