Saturday, January 24, 2009


so I don't know where to start, I'm a pretty big fan of LOST and I think I will go crazy waiting a week for each new episode... I don't know how many people follow it but I think it's pretty good on multiple levels. so the reason for this post is again a sappy lame story of what a loser I am.

This is how I see it, I know it's mostly because I'm alone a lot and don't have close friends but as I watched the session primer I became down hearted to my situation. Some of this may not make sense if you don't watch it but I'll try and explain. Hugo and Sayid are pretty good friends and Sayid pretty much has Hugo's back because Hugo is kinda naive to his surroundings. Anyway Sayid gets knocked out with some type of dart and they both are running from the cops. Hugo doesn't know what to do so he goes to his dad for help. I see their really good friendship and then a huge trust when Hugo asks his dad for help thus involving love. I look at my life (and yes I know it's only a TV show) but I just want to feel that true love between friends and family. I know this is sappy but when I was a kid my mom said something to the effect that you can't survive if you arn't loved. I know that people love me including my family and yes my "blogger" friends but I don't have any true love (whatever that is) just a real friendship a happy reality free almost careless friendship...? I wouldn't go to my family for anything serious (hence why I haven't told them about who I really am) I do have my friends that I trust but they have their own lives.

none of this is making much sense I'm sure, but what is life if you don't live it with love. I am in a sense dead, yes I live for things that make the emptiness go away temporarily, I do really enjoy my life in the day to day things but sometimes when reality really hits you wonder why...

I do have a passion that keeps me going no matter what. Every time I experience it I feel alive. But what about everything else?

I think debt is the only thing that keeps me from just vanishing from my current life and starting a completely new one. I guess this is partially crazy and/or immature but whatever, like I said I don't mind my life I just sometimes want to start over?

I don't know if I don't want to admit it or if I'm afraid of it but I think what I am explaining or wanting is a relationship, but I can't have that. The only one thing I truly want on top of all my toys that I buy myself I can't have money couldn't even buy it. First off I think the relationship I am looking for is impossible even though I know some "heterosexuals" have found it (even those that think they have it I don't think they do, but I guess who am I to judge) so the odds of me finding the perfect one if I was straight are practically impossible and throw in the fact that I'm gay, good luck.

Then you have my church (which I don't really claim but the history is hard to get away from) It forbids this in my case, seriously they are making peoples lives a LIVING HELL... but it's gods desire... it's his plan, someday you'll be blessed but till then experience hell (but oh it's better then an eternity of hell that I'm going to experience) whatever.

I think I'm just lonely I'll get over it and move on but I don't really like these times...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Life is hard and there is no sugar coating it. Im here for you and you have my cell. Be yourself, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Love you bro and you are wonderful.