Thursday, February 26, 2009

prayers for bobby (youtube)

I am writing this to an old friend who has a gay friend who I am out to...

I'm sorry for bringing this up but I need to know if you have heard of the movie "prayers for bobby" it was made by lifetime. It hasn't been released on DVD but you can watch it on youtube,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K206-hYTe_I
parts 1 - 10 I'd guess it's about 70-80 mins total
(*** this is the first time I saw it... and I was stoked to see the whole thing on you tube...)
I guess I come to you for many reasons, I don't know how things have gone with you and your son but I am still trying to understand things. As you know my mom died and so again I come to you in a sense looking for answers (or acceptance) and maybe even love. However I don't want to cause you any undo heartache... and therefore I am sorry.

these are my thoughts as I watched the movie...

I tried to avoid my family because of this (being gay) but I couldn't, it was because I hated myself but I wanted to be loved/accepted... I know this will change things FOREVER (once I "come out") but I guess it can either be for the better or worse... I can't go on like this much longer, death is not the answer but sometimes it seems like it is, Even if they don't like it or accept it please let this life be normal, whatever happens in the next, doesn't matter, I just need to live without fear...

my family was destroyed when my mom died so it doesn't really matter what happens I guess I just hope things can work out...

I don't really care if it is a sin, my only options are life or death and I want to choose life... (either way I am going to hell so why can't I just live this life... (I don't necessarily believe this but )

I do think the movie helps me want to avoid suicide (seriously don't worry I don't think about this much if any...I do admit that yes I have in the past...) Which is worse being gay or suicide... both are hard on the family however.

I JUST WANT TO DIE, I NEVER WANTED TO EXIST, I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS... I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

part 01 - 7:22 through part 02 - 3:10
I wish I could go to my brother like this, I wish I was close to him like this
How can I EVER be successful in this life if all I have is despair, how can I ever accomplish ANYTHING when all I think about is despair.

if all the shit is true in the bible then death is the punishment and so suicide is the answer. If god exists he has to deal with this one way or another and the way the world thinks we are condemned to hell therefore we have nothing to lose, so why not take the chance of living.

I've never felt more alive then I do right now...(after watching this and accepting this and coming close to coming out to my family) I have hope, the only problem is when I feel like this I am afraid of being killed... I don't know why but when I don't want to die I am afraid of it but when I want to die I can't... I guess this is a good thing.

"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening." - Mary Griffith

Sunday, February 15, 2009

the response to the reply

this might be getting confusing but basically I am doing it so I can have a record of what happens...


I'm not sure where to start other then to say thanks... At the moment I am just taking life as it comes and not doing anything extreme in any direction. I know that most people in the church understand what it means to be "gay" but for those that don't know anyone personally I think it would be hard to recognize it or to be suspicious of it. I guess the next step is to find out what my brother thinks... For me, a huge red flag is it is pretty obvious that I don't date, I know that doesn't mean much but sometimes I wonder if people are adding things up in their heads... I guess out of everyone I would have thought you would be the one to figure it out first so I'm doing pretty good if I caught you off guard. Don't get me wrong I think I'm close to being ready to talk to my brother so I'll let you know...

Here is a little history if your interested. Basically after I came home from my mission I was at a high point in my life when it came to the gospel. This went on for about a year, however reality is hard to ignore and this issue was ALWAYS on my mind. Trying to realize what it all meant and where I stood with what I knew to be true (the gospel) and what I couldn't deny (the "feelings") so basically I was bashing my head against a brick wall which isn't healthy by any means... my life literally was falling apart in front of me and I didn't know what to do. (a side note your parents were/are amazing people and true example of showing the pure love of Christ)

I needed to be alone to figure things out, I know this isn't good. (This is basically why I am starting to make things "public"). I know that I could of stayed at your parents home through my career at [unnamed college] but I always kinda of felt guilty for whatever reason... (again I know this feeling wasn't justified but I think it had to do with getting away from everything) regardless I had a good job and so I moved in with a friend...

I pretty much just pressed pause and got through [unnamed college] but again I was pretty much constantly thinking about some aspect of what everything meant. When I moved to SLC to continue going to the U of U I was naive in thinking I could keep ignoring it. I was going into chemistry which is a STRESSFUL major when your focused, so again things quickly feel apart. I basically dropped out of school the first semester I got here. (nobody knows this little fact) Somehow I heard of a major called environmental studies and I looked into it, it was basically a major created just for me... it involves a lot of science with very little (almost no) math.

SO I started over the next semester and completly LOVED ALL my classes.

That was a year ago now, I am really close to graduation but I think I am going to have to go next fall semester because of the inevitable missing credit that you don't realize until it's too late... and now I am also trying to deal with the other side of me in a more open way, hence why I emailed you to get things moving... So again to bring it full circle I am just taking things as they come and not doing anything drastic. I guess I will go into the chruch in my next email but I need to send this so I don't keep you waiting...

Thursday, February 12, 2009

the "reply"

so this looks like it's going to be a little harder then I expected? I know she is sincere and does care for me... so I guess I will just try and explain things as best I can... I will post what I reply to her but I'm open to any suggestions prior to try and explain the "trying to fight your feelings"... so thanks in advance...

my name here,
Well I have to say I am a little speechless and I don't know quite what to say. But know that I do love you and I want to be a good friend/sister and be here to support you. I do have many questions and I don't want to seem like a prude, but have you considered the "spiritual" side of this, I mean are you trying to "fight" your feelings or do you accept them as final? Have you spoken to a bishop? I think that the family would have the hardest time accepting this because we believe that it is a sin (as I"m sure you know) we would all be concerned for your welfare in that matter. But ultimately we love the sinner and hate the sin right? Please don't be offended, I just want to understand you better. As for the family, I can only imagine that you would not want to tell your dad? I think that your brother would be the one to talk to first. I don't think that anyone in my family is suspicious. You certainly took me by surprise. Please let me know what I can do to help and I am here to listen to you and help you talk to my family. I know that in my husbands family there is a cousin that is Gay. It is never really talked about. He lives with a man but they don't come to family events together and I really don't know if he ever "came out" to his parents. But we all still love him. I will do whatever I can to help you.
Please keep talking to me.
her

Monday, February 9, 2009

holy hell

Ok, I just sent this letter to my sister in laws sister... (confusing yes) but once you read it you'll understand, basically there is NO turning back... I trust her that she will keep it a secret and I'm sure she will help me but I guess I'll see what happens...

her name, (sorry I'm not good at making up names...)

I'm writing you to ask for some advice, I don't want you to get the wrong idea so whatever your thinking it's not that, just keep reading...
I have always felt comfortable around you, yes I'm sure you realize your sisters can be a little intimidating to someone not familiar to your family. (you never had the naivety that comes with being from Utah) Anyway your probably curious why I'm writing you an email. But I have always know I could talk to you about anything. Please don't be offended by this because the way I say it, it might not come out the way I want it to but you are different then your sisters. I can't remember the first time I met you specifically but I assume it was during a christmas... anyway like I said I didn't feel awkward around you, where as it took awhile before I was comfortable around everyone else. I felt like you never saw my situation as strange and was just a genuine friend? (trust me I thought it was very out of the ordinary)
anyway the reason I am writing to you is because I am looking for advice and I know you won't judge me for the reason. I know it is only a matter of time before it becomes apparent. I might as well just tell you straight out but again right now I tell you this in the strictest of confidence. her name, I am "gay" and by that I mean homosexual. Now that you know I am first curious to your initial reaction. (from the few friends I have told they are not all that surprised when it is all added up, but I'd like to think I have done a good job in masking it...) and another thing I don't want you to feel guilty for "harassing" me about a girlfriend, it doesn't really bother me.
Anyway, now you know what kind of situation I'm in.
Overtime I have personally come to terms with this (basically I have know since before I was 12 but didn't realize what it meant till much later). I'm sure you're kind of shocked but nothing as to what others will be. This is why I need someone on the "inside" that can give me advice as to how to "come out." I'm not in too big of rush but I don't want to be put on the spot when people might add things up. I want to do it in a way that is sincere with respect to everyone's feelings.
Don't get me wrong, there have been times in my family that I wanted to do it in a way that would be rude and hurtful. But when it comes to your family that has never been the case. And when it comes to the connection between your family and mine, that is where I need the help. Overall with time I'm sure your sister will be okay with it (I hope) and I don't have a problem with (my brother) but together I have no clue where to start.

Thanks for "listening" (reading)
me