Thursday, February 26, 2009

prayers for bobby (youtube)

I am writing this to an old friend who has a gay friend who I am out to...

I'm sorry for bringing this up but I need to know if you have heard of the movie "prayers for bobby" it was made by lifetime. It hasn't been released on DVD but you can watch it on youtube,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K206-hYTe_I
parts 1 - 10 I'd guess it's about 70-80 mins total
(*** this is the first time I saw it... and I was stoked to see the whole thing on you tube...)
I guess I come to you for many reasons, I don't know how things have gone with you and your son but I am still trying to understand things. As you know my mom died and so again I come to you in a sense looking for answers (or acceptance) and maybe even love. However I don't want to cause you any undo heartache... and therefore I am sorry.

these are my thoughts as I watched the movie...

I tried to avoid my family because of this (being gay) but I couldn't, it was because I hated myself but I wanted to be loved/accepted... I know this will change things FOREVER (once I "come out") but I guess it can either be for the better or worse... I can't go on like this much longer, death is not the answer but sometimes it seems like it is, Even if they don't like it or accept it please let this life be normal, whatever happens in the next, doesn't matter, I just need to live without fear...

my family was destroyed when my mom died so it doesn't really matter what happens I guess I just hope things can work out...

I don't really care if it is a sin, my only options are life or death and I want to choose life... (either way I am going to hell so why can't I just live this life... (I don't necessarily believe this but )

I do think the movie helps me want to avoid suicide (seriously don't worry I don't think about this much if any...I do admit that yes I have in the past...) Which is worse being gay or suicide... both are hard on the family however.

I JUST WANT TO DIE, I NEVER WANTED TO EXIST, I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS... I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED

part 01 - 7:22 through part 02 - 3:10
I wish I could go to my brother like this, I wish I was close to him like this
How can I EVER be successful in this life if all I have is despair, how can I ever accomplish ANYTHING when all I think about is despair.

if all the shit is true in the bible then death is the punishment and so suicide is the answer. If god exists he has to deal with this one way or another and the way the world thinks we are condemned to hell therefore we have nothing to lose, so why not take the chance of living.

I've never felt more alive then I do right now...(after watching this and accepting this and coming close to coming out to my family) I have hope, the only problem is when I feel like this I am afraid of being killed... I don't know why but when I don't want to die I am afraid of it but when I want to die I can't... I guess this is a good thing.

"Before you echo Amen in your home or place of worship, think and remember. A child is listening." - Mary Griffith

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