Sunday, March 15, 2009

the best weekend of my life...!?

It's done, I did It! it was monumental, things couldn't of gone better if I planned it all out. This weekend was completely bazaar. It started out by me going to sleep thursday night at about 1ish, I had been finishing a report that was due earlier that week. I had to wake up at 5am to goto work for 13 hours so with roughly 5 hours of sleep I spent working till 6:30pm. Overall work wasn't bad, it was my first huge double shift and it went by relatively fast, I got a lot of thinking done and some of that included trying to convince myself that I was going to come out to my brother this weekend.
I got off work and went home and figured I'd call my brother to see what was going on and it turns out that his wife and kids all went to visit her parents. He was still at work and so I figured I'd go watch him do whatever he does at work. It turns out that I ended up helping him do random things for the next 3 hours so basically I worked 16 hours on 5 hours of sleep... anyway I kept thinking about the situation and figure how and when I was going to do it. I figured the sooner the better or else I might talk myself out of it. We talked about normal random stuff and he explained how his systems did what they did... (I'm being vague on purpose for this part, sorry)so afterward he said that he owed me dinner and I was ok but "buy local first" and he thought of a cool bar/restaurant that he wanted to goto... We got their and ordered our food and again kept talking about whatever. The bar itself was AWESOME, I totally didn't feel like I was in Utah it was very unique... I thought he had been there before but he never had, so between the uniqueness of the place and the fact that the situation was perfect for a memory to last a life time I knew this was the time... Finally it clicked, I had the perfect intro to the topic and so I said do you want me to tell you something that you probably don't want to know... and his instant reply was "your gay" and I said yes... then there was some light joking (at first I couldn't tell if he was serious and knew or if he was joking, there were a few instances in the past few weeks that I was questioning if he figured out something, I don't know how to explain it but I swear that he was acting a little different then normal... I know this doesn't make any sense but I'm putting it in for me to remember...) and then I said something and I think he said "your serious" and it started to sink in... then his statement was something like " Jen, his wife is going to kick your butt" I said basically that I knew it'd be hard for her and I didn't want to cause any problems (see the last few posts where I told her sister and the conv. that ensued) there was some more basic conversation and he said "thats all she wants, you to get married have a little family, and good health insurance" I said, I know I wish it was that easy... then at the end after more generic chit chat and some that focused on the topic... he was figuring out the tip... and I think I might of went to far with overwhelming him... he was going to give like a 4 dollar tip and I said just give him $20... I was like haven't you ever just did something crazy like that and not thought about it... he said no. Then he said what do you like him... now that was pretty good, (earlier he got pretty wet with a spraying hose" and so I said do you want to get wet again... I explained it numerous ways, that it was a way small little bar/restaurant with not many people there (earlier he even commented on that) and I said how would you feel if you got a $20 dollar tip, he said he once got a $200 dollar tip, so I commented back, see how'd you feel, he said "I earned it" and I said well maybe this guy didn't earn it but he deserves it, you said yourself it's a friday night and there are not many people here. so we left it and left... I wasn't even thinking but (obviously I rode there and it was freakn cold but I left my gloves. We were outside getting ready to leave he comes out as we were leaving with my gloves and says you forgot these... now obviously I would of realized it eventually but he walked out and gave them to me I said thanks and after he left I told my brother see, these gloves are a lot more then $20 so it all worked out... (now I think we know that the guy wouldn't of kept them but I think by this time my brother understood what I was trying to do...) though like I said together it might of been a little overwhelming... either way it is DONE, it feels good but at the same time I kinda feel more spazed out cause I feel I have to justify shit and explain it but this is so far how it was left... We went home and he wanted to watch "The fifth element" cause it was his favorite movie and was appalled that I never watched it. We stayed up till 2am which I think is hilarious cause he isn't like that... I really liked the movie but I couldn't stand the extremeness of the acting, I guess he said it was made for the french though it was in english he said it isn't generic hollywood acting... after the movie was over I had to say something cause literally the acting/costumes were pretty "gay" I don't know how else to explain it. I am trying to get away from using that word to generalize and explain things but I swear it was, so I explained it and he accepted it though he didn't really see it that way which is kinda surprising... anyway at 2am both of us wasted tired I thought I needed to clarify the whole evening, I said that when I say gay I mean generally, I'm not femmy and whatever stereotypes people think of... I said this because I kinda got a feeling that was what he was thinking, and that would be a little extreme so from that the night ended...

my thoughts were as follows: I totally felt loved in a weird way though, but my family is pretty weird so it works... and looking back at it I really really do feel loved, not by my brother alone but the whole situation, how it came together... I am myself and this won't change much, I know that is the basic theme of why places like equality utah wants you to come out, to prove that gay people aren't the stereotypes and that everybody knows/loves someone who is gay...

Saturday not too much happened, after waking up I didn't know what I was going to do, I had some different plans but wasn't firm with any of them. I ended up staying and working on my motorcycle for like 4 or 5 hours with my brother watching me...? weird I know, I kinda thought he felt obligated but he was also still tired from the late night. I don't know but it was fun we talked mostly about whatever and I got a bunch done on my bike!
He had stake conference meetings so yeah we ate at a neighbors house and then he went to his meetings, I thought about doing my paper but figured I'd do it today (sunday) and I fell asleep around 8ish... and didn't wake up till 7... wow I just realized I got a lot of sleep...
Sunday morning I had to go back to work and so I woke up and was going to eat some generic breakfast and he comes in saying Jen (his wife) said we should make sticky buns... I was like hmmm ok but I think I have to be at work in 45 mins... so he started cooking, I guess our conversation went to church cause I admitted to working on sundays either way it was valid but he asked if I still went to church or something to that effect and I said that I really don't like utah singles wards... he then asked what if there was a gay ward? I said well thats would probably be worse... so yeah I hope he realizes I'm not really different the inactive thing I'm sure was a blow but I think he knew that, and now just felt like he could ask about it. Later he asked a question about "James" (my brother that is just older then me and isn't married and is kind of publicly inactive) I answered it then I said well if it makes you feel any better but James's old girlfriend (who wasn't LDS) liked your family and didn't like Georges (my very conservative brother)at all... he said who am I to say who James dates... so curious I said what if it was a guy, to see his general reaction and he said the basic thing again. so that was really surprising? As we were eating he said something about a time at my grandfathers birthday (I wasn't there) but it turns out I have a gay cousin!? though our extended family isn't really close it was very surprising, and he said from what he saw everybody treated him well (I guess he brought a boyfriend...) then referring to my dad he said that he should be able to accept it cause my grandfather stopped talking to him for 10 years after he joined the church so he should be more accepting...

as I was leaving he said "call me if you need anything" and I totally know he meant it and that it was in reference to dealing with everything... overall I think my brother knows I'm not that different? I am still completely surprised how everything worked out. I'd almost chalk it up to planning from an external source? I really feel like things will work out and that if anything for the greater good of the gay community I will be completely out over time.

as for this post, I know it was long and very sporadic, for that I am sorry, but I wanted to get my thoughts down before I forgot them and I still need to finish that paper I talked about so this was rushed... anyway it is what it is and so thats it...

2 comments:

Scott said...

Congratulations! I'm glad it went well for you.

Andrew J Swallow said...

I am so happy you can be yourself and allow your self to be free congratualations. Havent heard form you in awhile but I am glad you are doing well. Keep you chin up and always be true to yourself. You dont have to ever be someone your not for the sake of others. Congrats on the leap. And i am always here for you.

Andrew