Tuesday, May 19, 2009

yikes

well a lot has happened, I keep thinking that I have grown a lot and won't be able to grow anymore but then I look back and see that I continue to grow... maybe learn is a better word? ANYWAY... I continue to figure out what my life is to me... I am going on a VERY VERY BIG TRIP soon and am SO EXCITED... from it I hope to find more direction and I hope that I will be able to trust myself and finish school and become somebody... I am a least starting to believe this. so life will continue on and I hope it continues in a good way... I know things will come up but I just hope I can deal with them more positively now... anyway if you want to know more about my trip let me know I'm not going to talk much about it but I do have a separate blog that I will track my journey...

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

it is DONE!

right well this won't be too much detail but I DID IT !!! I was planning and planning on telling my sister in law and finally I said I WILL do it this weds(today) and I did... SO she is the one I was way most stressed about. It was weird but it went well (enough) we did the chit chat for quite awhile and I was trying to figure out what to say... finally I started that awakward stubling of words trying to say something and I think she got the picture... she sat down and I think basically I said "what would you think if I told you I was gay..." after that it was said and so I was thinking to myself I DID IT !!! she asked the generic questions how do you know... which I stumbled over and said I'm attracked to guys and I'm not attracked to women... then blah blah blah and she basically took the stand that I have to stay faithful to the gospel... (I don't think we talked if that consisted of being active) but for now that is fine, I don't know what the future holds I am pretty sure though until she understands more and "warms" up to the idea I will leave it at that... We did talk that getting married to a girl isn't an option (and I didn't mention the alternative cause for right now I know her feelings on that...) she said she was glad I told her, and yeah I did it...!
more to follow... I guess I am a little nervous of her finding my blog so I wonder if anyone has advice for that, other then closing it out for invited readers only...??? can you just put a password on it that I could give everyone I don't know I think some of the stuff I have said would push her over the edge...?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

happiness?

right on, where should I start? The fact that the most miserable semester of my life is almost over, 5 days and only one final, (though I will have to finish a large portion of all semesters homework for 2 classes). Or the fact that I should have graduated this semester but since I am a lazy slacker that didn't happen.
So where do you find happiness? I thought I have grown a lot these past few months but I still have an intense hatred for myself. This blog summed things up but I almost don't apply... http://a-struggler.blogspot.com/2009/04/self-abuse.html I have tried being honest with myself and it helps but I still don't get it. I will be out to most of my immediate family by the end of the month. I want to go to AK free and clear and hope that I find some kind of permanent peace... I have always believed that I could move on with my own life once I graduated from college so I guess I will still wait and see if that ends up happening.
as for other news... I still don't want to jump the gun or curse myself but things seem to be working out for my relationship status...