Sunday, November 29, 2009

is there really a way out?

I know I'm depressed but when I hear of news that makes me wish it would end it doesn't help... so yeah my blog is a bunch of negative depressive posts... owell I'll look back and remember these things and I know I grow from every experience but seriously GOD how much more can I take?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

disappear...

so hmmm maybe it's classic holiday depression but I really don't like the holidays and thankfully I am avoiding all family get togethers by disappearing for thanksgiving (each family gathering thinks I'm at the other...) and driving to my best friends in boston for christmas (like last year).  However it doesn't resolve the fact that I'm tired with my life.  I love my job but other then that I'm sick of dealing with my life.  
Including,
my family and the gay issue and I've only came out to my oldest brother and his wife. 
school, and trying to graduate
debt
health issues
my lack of living conditions
the worlds problems (I really don't give a fuck about all the current events and just want to live my own little life, but alas that is not possible...)
 
I just want a real family that cares or maybe I want my own family where I fall sadly in love with some random guy and we make a life together (I don't know if I'm willing to allow myself to do this, that is the love part...?)
 
anyway what I really want to say is why can't I follow the one thing that some old church literature said that has always been on my mind, (seriously I can remember hearing it as a teenager and I think about it often)
basically to the effect of "[the purpose of life is to] learn to live life happily"
so like my long lost friend ZINJ I just want to disappear into nothingness... speaking of which HAS ANYBODY HEARD FROM HIM?

Monday, November 23, 2009

"...beer and wine"

so yeah an interesting night, I'm a member of a underground environmental movement and we're starting a monday FHE night just getting together and hanging out... so that in it self is interesting and sweet... anyway... other then many being "ex mormon" and playing off the FHE thing there was alcohol, since I never tried champagne I figured why not... well there was only enough left for a taste so they broke out the wine... and yeah wow... ummm other then my friend tasting it before me and saying that is excellent and then me barley and literally choking it down (I didn't think things got worse then beer) what is with people and liking rotten beverages? it smells like a compost heap and I'm sure they taste quite similar... I guess I'm not meant to drink (I don't mind, and am kinda relieved) I haven't tried any of the vodkas yet but hopefully I have the same experience...
other then that I am just living life at the moment... till the next fun event in my life that I can blog about...