Wednesday, November 25, 2009


so hmmm maybe it's classic holiday depression but I really don't like the holidays and thankfully I am avoiding all family get togethers by disappearing for thanksgiving (each family gathering thinks I'm at the other...) and driving to my best friends in boston for christmas (like last year).  However it doesn't resolve the fact that I'm tired with my life.  I love my job but other then that I'm sick of dealing with my life.  
my family and the gay issue and I've only came out to my oldest brother and his wife. 
school, and trying to graduate
health issues
my lack of living conditions
the worlds problems (I really don't give a fuck about all the current events and just want to live my own little life, but alas that is not possible...)
I just want a real family that cares or maybe I want my own family where I fall sadly in love with some random guy and we make a life together (I don't know if I'm willing to allow myself to do this, that is the love part...?)
anyway what I really want to say is why can't I follow the one thing that some old church literature said that has always been on my mind, (seriously I can remember hearing it as a teenager and I think about it often)
basically to the effect of "[the purpose of life is to] learn to live life happily"
so like my long lost friend ZINJ I just want to disappear into nothingness... speaking of which HAS ANYBODY HEARD FROM HIM?


Bravone said...

You better not disappear. I have wanted to do the same a few years ago and had it all carefully planned out. I know sometimes it can seem that we are all alone and no one cares nor would miss us.

Truth is, many care. You would be surprised how many hearts would be broken, mine included.

I worry about Zing. I haven't been able to contact him. I worry what might have happened. One of his heroes vanished into the wilderness, never to be heard of again. I hope that is not his fate.

You are a good man. You will find meaning and happiness. Please don't despair. Come to Idaho and all will be right with life again :)

Cadence said...

thanks bravone, I'm not to the point in which I will do anything soon, but someday it might happen, though it would be structured and planned out...? I am more optomistic about zinj, I think he is either still on his journey or hasen't got around to start dealing with everything again? if something were to happen since he is local I think it would of made the news? anyway he is gonna get chewed out by me and I'm sure others...
as for idaho, I need to make a trip up there... I just need to figure out my plans for the winter first... (a dirt bike or a truck??? hard decsion...) but truly thanks and I won't do anything "stupid" with out you knowing first...
ps my spell check doesn't work on this computer sorry...

Robert said...

Hey there man. Sometimes, I get the same ideas. And sometimes, they stick around for weeks or even months. I hate the feelings that bring me to entertain those thoughts. I'm so sorry for what I can assume you're feeling. I know it sounds lame...but the best thing for me to do is to think of the things I'm glad I have. For those I can count as dear friends, for my bike, for my health, and for the ability and opportunity to work and sustain myself. Sometimes, I just gotta say, "fuck the rest." I bet you get me on that one. ;) Love you man. :)

Robert said...

And I'm totally with you. WHERE IS ZINJ? If you're reading this, give us a sign!

ControllerOne said...

I feel what you are saying. Sometimes it all just makes me unspeakably tired. Not even depressed or even sad really. Just exhausted. I just try to remember that the sun doesn't shine on the same dog's ass everday and figure that life is better than the alternative. Hang in there my friend.