Wednesday, December 22, 2010

spam

my account linked to this blog was just hacked... thankfully google is on top of these things and stopped a spam email from going out to 16 random people... I think it started from this blog though, I have one of those counters and for the past year or so it's gone through the roof with hits... I doubt I'm that popular no I know I'm not that popular... so it pisses me off that spam bots visit my blog... I don't know what I'm going to do about it... so anyway I have a current post ready to publish but am a little weirded out by all this... does anyone have suggestions?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

the obligated facebook note...


so those of you that noticed I hope you enjoyed some entertainment... but this is my cliche coming out on facebook on my birthday note...
enjoy...

I'm an adult with not much responsibility, I can buy myself my own "presents" so if you're reading this I ask you for a moment of your time.

I don't know how many of you know, I'm sure a lot of you don't care but whatever the case may be, if you've ever wondered this is conformation to your suspicions… I am gay. I have a very wide spectrum of friends so this might be a little confusing to some of you. Those that don't really care THANKS, enjoy the entertainment… and for those of you that are at a lose of words, take a deep breath and hear me out. These are my observations from dealing with "coming out" over the past few years to myself and to my family,

I feel like I am alive now, I am definitely happy as opposed to miserable. I actually have confidence in myself now. I haven't stopped believing in God, I have a better belief and understanding of him because I have accepted myself for who I am. The biggest thing though is that I really don't care if you have a problem with this or don't agree with it… I have better things to do with my time then worry if I'm going to lose "friends" over the fact that I'm tired of living two lives.

You may wonder why now? I am a huge fan of a site called post secrets www.postsecret.com and this week there was a secret that really hit home and though I love my family dearly I can't do this any more. The secret says

"Being who I am would destroy my family…
so I keep quiet and destroy myself instead."

so call me whatever you want to but I can't do it anymore. I am the same person you knew, nothing has changed. You just know a tiny little detail that in todays world makes people believe I'm completely different.

I'm not going to try to prove anything to you. If you want to see for yourself that I'm not any different thats fine, lets talk. Other then that I hope you can find inside yourself to remember to love everyone. Because as "gay" as that sounds that is what the world needs a little more of.

peace ;)

Saturday, May 29, 2010

right so I have thought about this a lot and I'm over worrying/caring about keeping my "identity" hidden on here... for right now I'm not going to come out and say where I live and give out my phone number but yeah no more hush hush type of stuff

so yeah basically I went back to Alaska for the summer, I got a internship here and I basically really need to make my life what I want out of it... so that is what I'm trying to work on... but I will write more later, I just wanted to get this out there for future reference for myself...

Friday, April 30, 2010

FUCK YOU SOCIETY

right on, so this is totally an angry rant but it is what it is... it's kinda ironic cause a comment on my last post from a Julie said I didn't need "wishes" cause I sounded "together" well this will prove that wrong but overall I think I'm pretty normal I just let everything build up and then I blow it off by bitching... so anyway my beef for the day is relationships...I've been kinda talking to this guy for 5 months now... we've never met though cause of a lot of things but all that is beside the point... IS THERE ANY NORMAL PERSON OUT THERE? I mean I know I'm not normal but WTF... or I guess if I was wishing something with a magic ginny I'd say how do I find a halfway normal person that I could spend the rest of my life with... and I might add happily in there too... anyway in other news my dad wrote me back but I haven't read it, I don't want to deal with that bull shit at the moment (I let a friend read it so I've indirectly dealt with it) so yeah all I know is that my gay world and my life is only a matter of time before they are the same. Yes I basically mean I'm gonna be doing the coming out on facebook soon and probably come out on here as my real self (even though a lot of you know who I am) but yeah something has got to change so I'm tired of everything and yeah starting with the obvious... anyway sorry for the bad grammer I'm in a rush and I had to get this out so thanks for listening / reading...

Friday, April 23, 2010

update

so I came out to my last brother a couple weeks ago with basically the same reaction as the rest. I've been meaning to finally come out to my dad and so I finally wrote an email and just sent it. SO with that I will see what happens. I'm not worried and I don't care how he takes the information. That may be a little harsh but it's really not my problem... I have accepted this and now it's their problem if they can't deal with it. I'm sure with time things will reach an equilibrium... so till then or an update... or something else interesting...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

post secret...


and this is a comment from another secret...

-----Email Message----
Being laid off last October was one of the best things that ever happened to me-- sometimes you have to do something you really hate before you find your true passion and purpose in life.

I think I'm going to try and take it to heart... not care so much about things and go where I feel I am being lead... (follow my heart...)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

always on my mind...

things that are ALWAYS on my mind...
all I do is think in my current work position so I don't know if it's a good thing or not but this is what occupies my time... (kinda in descending order...)

a boy (enough said...)
relationships (I know what it is now and I want one, will I ever find one that is real)
society and the environment (it's my major after all...)
conservation (why doesn't society get it?)
my futre career (I wish I knew what it was)
recycling (another focus that could make up my career)
alaska (my summer plans)
money (do I have enough to live esp. if I goto AK)
school (will I ever finish/how much do I even care anymore)
god and family (though I believe the urgency is fading)
health (it isn't last it's more like first but I do block it out so yeah)


I figured I'd throw this up... so I can think about it even more... I need to make sense of it all... if thats possible...

anyway thank you all for comments I'm a little surprised at the variety of my readership... if those that are new still read, thank you very much for your perspective...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

untitled cont. renamed "thoughts I have pondered for a very long time..."

it has been said that masturbation is only a problem when it basically overtakes your life. I've always wondered about that, seriously how can it, I mean as a teenager or a horny guy you might do it a lot and you might be late to school or something once in awhile because of it... I'm not gonna lie I'm a guy I think about sex a lot... so I guess it is just part of life...?
anyway my point is this... what about blogging, today I've spent the entire day [literally] reading blogs... I don't know how bad this is other then it proves how lame my life is or how much I haven't gotten over being gay... in the past I have been so focused on being gay that yes it did overtake my life, in that I didn't study or I didn't care about things, but blogs was a means of coping? so was it still bad? or is the reason that I can't just get over that I'm gay the problem... I blame that on how I was raised... (even though it was LDS it is evident that the problem is more because we live in a homophobic society... that of course is my opinion) so to quote Brokeback Mountain "I wish I knew how to quit you" or I wish I knew how to move on with my fucking life...

Friday, March 5, 2010

untitled

right so where to begin this time, thoughts are flying through my head so fast I can't even think straight... so I guess I'll start with my current situation and work backwards...

As I was coming home from work today I was on Trax and decided hmmm I've got 30 mins before my bus comes why don't I get off a few stops early and walk through "Temple Square"... and so with my headphones on and my hood up I walk into the gates only to see not a soul around other then about 15+ sister missionaries... so I very determinedly walk past them ignoring whatever they are saying, I kinda had in mind I was going to go to the "Christus" but I also wanted to avoid any human contact, since it was dark I walked around the Tabernacle and stood outside looking up to it... I stood there for the 20 minutes I had to spare just wondering and thinking... all the while the thoughts started coming... the biggest being I don't know why but I do BELIEVE... and even though it's hard and I don't know why God is important in my life... thats where I'm at right now, so, thats a start of something, and a piller of some sort.

As I walked to my bus stop I saw the following and it made me laugh. Sorry if it's a sign, but God your gonna have to do better then this to get my attention. It was scratched on a newspaper vending machine...

SO add everything up and these are kinda my thoughts...
I REALLY don't know my purpose/reason for my life on this earth, but whatever it is I have to do something to make it better wether it is in a very small concentrated way or not I don't know but I have to do something to better the world as a whole. I know what my passion is but I don't see it as anything other then fulfilling a selfish desire of my own. I'm the type of person that wants to do whatever it is I do, (enjoying it of course) but then at the end of the day going home and living life... basically no responsibility afterwards, only while I'm at work... I would love to be a public servent of some sort like fire/police/emt but I doubt that is going to happen... (mainly due to health reasons)
going deeper though.... this is a thought that I have wondered about for years, if not all my life...

"What makes someone want to live, passion yes but what about the homeless and prisoners... Survival, but why?"

I think this basic thing every time I see someone down on their luck, WHY or HOW do they keep going? I know I basically ask myself this everyday as I am living my routine life with no direction... I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my future holds past a couple months... I might graduate soon, but then what, I have to find a job and start working 50 weeks a year??? I don't think so...

so I'm falling asleep and this is getting long but I will continue along this thought process trying to figure something out...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

random thoughts...

other then my excitement for the new album my favorite band released today, I had a pretty amazing conv. with a friend… and this is my summery not related to the conv. but after thinking about things…

maybe I need to blatantly exclude my family from my life and if it doesn't work I'm personally not out anything they can fuck off…

I guess I don't care anymore, I'm treating them as though they have already given up on me, which to a point is true so I have nothing to loose… but maybe this way I'll get through to them? (a note to someone reading this thinking about coming out to family, I have to move on with my life, I'm still growing and even in this extreme case... it's still worth it)

yeah as I think about it I'm getting angrier (not smart or healthy) but I don't care, I'm tired of it...

a disclaimer of sorts I should start putting on things I write when I am just typing thoughts...

I've never been one to write something thats on my mind then call it good (in therapy sometimes you do this) and forget about it and later rewrite it in a nicer way… sorry… it is what it is…

Friday, February 19, 2010

"...and, we're back!"

at least for now...


I'm kinda overwhelmed, I guess I never haven't been but I'm realizing it again.

a time line of sorts for the last 5 years of my life...

I wanted to die (realizing I was gay after my mission for about 2 years I hated/despised/abhorred being alive...)

I didn't want to live (a good 2 ish years after that I was just hoping I'd die somehow???)

I want to live but have no direction (purpose) and think something like why doesn't god just put me out of my misery....(the last year or so...)

I have grown immensely in all areas of my life but can't figure out my purpose
I need to give back, make the world a better place, do something with my life... I can't see just doing something generic as being good enough...

so that is what this post is supposed to be about... honestly I know I've bitched about this before but I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life... I'm 26 and don't get me wrong I know that I'm not that old... but I'm still stuck in that 10th grade year when the HS guidance counselors are talking about college... I honestly HAVE wasted hmmm the last 5 years of my life because other then learning what I don't want to do/be for a career I am still completely LOST where I'm going... so I know what some of you are thinking, if this is his biggest problems wow does he have it easy... but for me in my life this is a crisis... everyday I think about this. I can't finish school cause I don't think I'm making the right choices... I'm sick of SLC but don't know where to go... or what I'd do if I left...
and so I sit and wonder... whats going to change all this if anything... will I continue to sit around for another 5 years? I have a ton more feelings on this but I want to publish this and I'll write more later, after all it's FRIDAY...!



Wednesday, February 17, 2010

wtf


right so I have a few things in my head I need to talk about but this just happend and I don't know if I should just drop it or make a bigger deal then I already have... this is my cousin we're not close and obviously his friends are dumb asses so do I call out their ignorance on my cousins FB or what? oh and I'm not out to my cousin but don't care anymore so that wouldn't play a part in it...
(forgive the ghetto quick and dirty editing...)