Friday, February 19, 2010

"...and, we're back!"

at least for now...


I'm kinda overwhelmed, I guess I never haven't been but I'm realizing it again.

a time line of sorts for the last 5 years of my life...

I wanted to die (realizing I was gay after my mission for about 2 years I hated/despised/abhorred being alive...)

I didn't want to live (a good 2 ish years after that I was just hoping I'd die somehow???)

I want to live but have no direction (purpose) and think something like why doesn't god just put me out of my misery....(the last year or so...)

I have grown immensely in all areas of my life but can't figure out my purpose
I need to give back, make the world a better place, do something with my life... I can't see just doing something generic as being good enough...

so that is what this post is supposed to be about... honestly I know I've bitched about this before but I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life... I'm 26 and don't get me wrong I know that I'm not that old... but I'm still stuck in that 10th grade year when the HS guidance counselors are talking about college... I honestly HAVE wasted hmmm the last 5 years of my life because other then learning what I don't want to do/be for a career I am still completely LOST where I'm going... so I know what some of you are thinking, if this is his biggest problems wow does he have it easy... but for me in my life this is a crisis... everyday I think about this. I can't finish school cause I don't think I'm making the right choices... I'm sick of SLC but don't know where to go... or what I'd do if I left...
and so I sit and wonder... whats going to change all this if anything... will I continue to sit around for another 5 years? I have a ton more feelings on this but I want to publish this and I'll write more later, after all it's FRIDAY...!



Wednesday, February 17, 2010

wtf


right so I have a few things in my head I need to talk about but this just happend and I don't know if I should just drop it or make a bigger deal then I already have... this is my cousin we're not close and obviously his friends are dumb asses so do I call out their ignorance on my cousins FB or what? oh and I'm not out to my cousin but don't care anymore so that wouldn't play a part in it...
(forgive the ghetto quick and dirty editing...)