Sunday, March 21, 2010

post secret...


and this is a comment from another secret...

-----Email Message----
Being laid off last October was one of the best things that ever happened to me-- sometimes you have to do something you really hate before you find your true passion and purpose in life.

I think I'm going to try and take it to heart... not care so much about things and go where I feel I am being lead... (follow my heart...)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

always on my mind...

things that are ALWAYS on my mind...
all I do is think in my current work position so I don't know if it's a good thing or not but this is what occupies my time... (kinda in descending order...)

a boy (enough said...)
relationships (I know what it is now and I want one, will I ever find one that is real)
society and the environment (it's my major after all...)
conservation (why doesn't society get it?)
my futre career (I wish I knew what it was)
recycling (another focus that could make up my career)
alaska (my summer plans)
money (do I have enough to live esp. if I goto AK)
school (will I ever finish/how much do I even care anymore)
god and family (though I believe the urgency is fading)
health (it isn't last it's more like first but I do block it out so yeah)


I figured I'd throw this up... so I can think about it even more... I need to make sense of it all... if thats possible...

anyway thank you all for comments I'm a little surprised at the variety of my readership... if those that are new still read, thank you very much for your perspective...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

untitled cont. renamed "thoughts I have pondered for a very long time..."

it has been said that masturbation is only a problem when it basically overtakes your life. I've always wondered about that, seriously how can it, I mean as a teenager or a horny guy you might do it a lot and you might be late to school or something once in awhile because of it... I'm not gonna lie I'm a guy I think about sex a lot... so I guess it is just part of life...?
anyway my point is this... what about blogging, today I've spent the entire day [literally] reading blogs... I don't know how bad this is other then it proves how lame my life is or how much I haven't gotten over being gay... in the past I have been so focused on being gay that yes it did overtake my life, in that I didn't study or I didn't care about things, but blogs was a means of coping? so was it still bad? or is the reason that I can't just get over that I'm gay the problem... I blame that on how I was raised... (even though it was LDS it is evident that the problem is more because we live in a homophobic society... that of course is my opinion) so to quote Brokeback Mountain "I wish I knew how to quit you" or I wish I knew how to move on with my fucking life...

Friday, March 5, 2010

untitled

right so where to begin this time, thoughts are flying through my head so fast I can't even think straight... so I guess I'll start with my current situation and work backwards...

As I was coming home from work today I was on Trax and decided hmmm I've got 30 mins before my bus comes why don't I get off a few stops early and walk through "Temple Square"... and so with my headphones on and my hood up I walk into the gates only to see not a soul around other then about 15+ sister missionaries... so I very determinedly walk past them ignoring whatever they are saying, I kinda had in mind I was going to go to the "Christus" but I also wanted to avoid any human contact, since it was dark I walked around the Tabernacle and stood outside looking up to it... I stood there for the 20 minutes I had to spare just wondering and thinking... all the while the thoughts started coming... the biggest being I don't know why but I do BELIEVE... and even though it's hard and I don't know why God is important in my life... thats where I'm at right now, so, thats a start of something, and a piller of some sort.

As I walked to my bus stop I saw the following and it made me laugh. Sorry if it's a sign, but God your gonna have to do better then this to get my attention. It was scratched on a newspaper vending machine...

SO add everything up and these are kinda my thoughts...
I REALLY don't know my purpose/reason for my life on this earth, but whatever it is I have to do something to make it better wether it is in a very small concentrated way or not I don't know but I have to do something to better the world as a whole. I know what my passion is but I don't see it as anything other then fulfilling a selfish desire of my own. I'm the type of person that wants to do whatever it is I do, (enjoying it of course) but then at the end of the day going home and living life... basically no responsibility afterwards, only while I'm at work... I would love to be a public servent of some sort like fire/police/emt but I doubt that is going to happen... (mainly due to health reasons)
going deeper though.... this is a thought that I have wondered about for years, if not all my life...

"What makes someone want to live, passion yes but what about the homeless and prisoners... Survival, but why?"

I think this basic thing every time I see someone down on their luck, WHY or HOW do they keep going? I know I basically ask myself this everyday as I am living my routine life with no direction... I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my future holds past a couple months... I might graduate soon, but then what, I have to find a job and start working 50 weeks a year??? I don't think so...

so I'm falling asleep and this is getting long but I will continue along this thought process trying to figure something out...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

random thoughts...

other then my excitement for the new album my favorite band released today, I had a pretty amazing conv. with a friend… and this is my summery not related to the conv. but after thinking about things…

maybe I need to blatantly exclude my family from my life and if it doesn't work I'm personally not out anything they can fuck off…

I guess I don't care anymore, I'm treating them as though they have already given up on me, which to a point is true so I have nothing to loose… but maybe this way I'll get through to them? (a note to someone reading this thinking about coming out to family, I have to move on with my life, I'm still growing and even in this extreme case... it's still worth it)

yeah as I think about it I'm getting angrier (not smart or healthy) but I don't care, I'm tired of it...

a disclaimer of sorts I should start putting on things I write when I am just typing thoughts...

I've never been one to write something thats on my mind then call it good (in therapy sometimes you do this) and forget about it and later rewrite it in a nicer way… sorry… it is what it is…