Friday, March 5, 2010

untitled

right so where to begin this time, thoughts are flying through my head so fast I can't even think straight... so I guess I'll start with my current situation and work backwards...

As I was coming home from work today I was on Trax and decided hmmm I've got 30 mins before my bus comes why don't I get off a few stops early and walk through "Temple Square"... and so with my headphones on and my hood up I walk into the gates only to see not a soul around other then about 15+ sister missionaries... so I very determinedly walk past them ignoring whatever they are saying, I kinda had in mind I was going to go to the "Christus" but I also wanted to avoid any human contact, since it was dark I walked around the Tabernacle and stood outside looking up to it... I stood there for the 20 minutes I had to spare just wondering and thinking... all the while the thoughts started coming... the biggest being I don't know why but I do BELIEVE... and even though it's hard and I don't know why God is important in my life... thats where I'm at right now, so, thats a start of something, and a piller of some sort.

As I walked to my bus stop I saw the following and it made me laugh. Sorry if it's a sign, but God your gonna have to do better then this to get my attention. It was scratched on a newspaper vending machine...

SO add everything up and these are kinda my thoughts...
I REALLY don't know my purpose/reason for my life on this earth, but whatever it is I have to do something to make it better wether it is in a very small concentrated way or not I don't know but I have to do something to better the world as a whole. I know what my passion is but I don't see it as anything other then fulfilling a selfish desire of my own. I'm the type of person that wants to do whatever it is I do, (enjoying it of course) but then at the end of the day going home and living life... basically no responsibility afterwards, only while I'm at work... I would love to be a public servent of some sort like fire/police/emt but I doubt that is going to happen... (mainly due to health reasons)
going deeper though.... this is a thought that I have wondered about for years, if not all my life...

"What makes someone want to live, passion yes but what about the homeless and prisoners... Survival, but why?"

I think this basic thing every time I see someone down on their luck, WHY or HOW do they keep going? I know I basically ask myself this everyday as I am living my routine life with no direction... I don't know what I want out of life, I don't know what my future holds past a couple months... I might graduate soon, but then what, I have to find a job and start working 50 weeks a year??? I don't think so...

so I'm falling asleep and this is getting long but I will continue along this thought process trying to figure something out...

7 comments:

El Genio said...

Just a thought, but if your interested in public safety, you could always do something like dispatch, or something connected to it through more administrative means.

Personally, I have always been more comfortable "leaving my mark" by making sure I affect those around me in a positive way. Sure, my industry might not always be contributing to a better world, but I'm ok with that as long as I do my best to help those around me.

Reina said...

You mentioned that you are going to graduate soon. I am a big advocate of Teach for America. It has definitely been an eye-opening experience. I would not trade it for anything. (Also, just so you know, it does not matter what your major is as long as you have a bachelors.)

Now that my little commercial for my cause is over...

I just want to say that being homosexual does not mean that you have to forsake your belief in or relationship with God. I actually feel closer to God now that I am accepting myself more.

Gay Mormon said...

@Reina's comment - She is right on, one need not give up their faith in God and Christ in order to accept that fact that they are gay. One can live the life of a gay man and still be a righteous individual. What ever your heart tells you, Follow the Peace! It will lead you to the end of your path. You are an awesome young man no matter what you decide to do in this life. Call me and lets ride before I head out for the great unknown! I hear my bike calling your name. I hear yours calling out for an ambulance or life flight or something or at the very least for you to get it back on the road. lol

Gay Mormon said...

Oh ya, Beleiving is a Good thing! So I am glad ya still do it!

Bravone said...

Believing is good! Love you man.

Sarah Jane said...

You being you changes the world every day that you live life.

Every person you talk to. Everything you do effects something. somehow.

Just because you dont see the effect directly or instantly doesnt mean you didnt change the world.

I was down on my luck 6 months ago. Im 22, 2 kids, been with my man for 7 yrs. we had moved around many many time since the first babe was born and it all finally came to a breaking point and we ended up homeless for 6 weeks couch surfing with the kids. i stayed on the streets for a week. how did i get through it? i just did. at the end of it all, my only thoughts were, yin yang, life is balanced, for all the pain and suffering i have endured there will be equal happiness and joy waiting for me.

life is as it is my dear freind. you cant change it. you cant control it. give up trying to figure everything out. it only complicates it.

acceptance is the only freedom.

Близнецы said...

No body knows their reason for living. Especially at a young age -

That's part of the fun of life, finding something you love and sticking to it.